Oh. My. Gawd. Get out the ruler and slap my wrists for unforgivable tardiness because I only recently learned that January is National Breakup Month. Alas, I'm so far behind, so woefully neglectful in terms of keeping up. I thought I was good about holidays and celebratory times but obviously I've been so busy working and minding my regular, sane person's calendar that I didn't think to look at my "Super Most Stupidest, Dumbest, Inane Monthly Classifications" calendar. But once I pulled it from the drawer filled with hardened rubber band balls, misshapen paper clips, linty gum wrappers and tic-tac boxes filled with aspirin, I was all good. I promise to never be so remiss again.
I was going to pen a piece about how to best break up with someone -- the ins and outs of what NOT to do, if you have to do it. Or the outs and ins of how to deal with it, if it's done to you. But that's for another time. So, in light of this very important, totally unromantic, and not at all stupid monthly title, here is a list of things to keep in mind...
If you do break up during this month, now you're cliché in addition to heartbroken.
What a lovely way to start the new year -- with National Break Up Month. To be followed by... No Promotions Month, Bad News From The Doctor Month, and Flush All Your Dreams Down The Toilet Month. Yay!
If this 'month' gains momentum, in the future if you break up in any other month, then... what? Will you be fined? Would you have to perform community service? Do you have to remain single for a set amount of time afterward? What are the rules and regs?
Eh, that's four fewer presents to buy this year (birthday, anniversary, Valentine's day and Xmas). Wait, that's four fewer to receive, too. Scratch this one, move on.
If you want to break up but your anniversary falls within this month, you can easily win the "how can you break up with me during our anniversary month?" argument by saying that obviously it was a bad omen that you got together in the first place.
An entire month is dedicated to breaking up? Presidents, parents, Martin Luther King, Jr., and secretaries only get one day.
Since it's an 'official' month, you can breakup by saying you're doing it for your country rather than the truth -- that you just didn't want to be dateless for New Year's.
If you get dumped this month, petition to make February the "If You Broke Up With Me During National Breakup Month, I Get To Sleep With All Your Friends" month.
If you haven't broken up yet, you'll spend every day until February wondering if you're going to.
If someone tries to break up with you this month, make them feel stupid and unoriginal by informing them that it's National Breakup Month (ten bucks says they didn't know). If they hold off for a few weeks out of sheer embarrassment, you have time to line up a replacement.
Looking to lose those pesky ten pounds leftover from the holidays? Have a breakup! It's the quickest way to shed inches in record time.
On the bright side, breaking up this month means you're allowed to get back any presents given to your ex over the recent holidays. Return them and buy yourself something fabu.
Why would National Break Up Month immediately precede Valentine's month? Does anyone else think this month was created by someone cheap or bitter?
On a related note, being a victim of National Break Up Month, then facing Valentine's month means you get a double kick in the arse just to start the year with a bang.
Note: If you take this month title seriously and think it has any significance whatsoever, you shouldn't be in a relationship.