Jeb Bush to Rebrand

Trailing badly in the polls, Jeb Bush's campaign has decided to rebrand. Beginning Monday, Bush will have a new tagline: "Jeb?" will replace "Jeb!" "The question mark asks everyone to take new look a Jeb," said Kristy Campbell, Bush's Press Secretary.

The campaign will introduce a new logo, type fonts, illustration style, graphics and color schemes that present Bush as a dynamic man of action. The new logo will be a depiction of Jeb Bush bare-chested riding a horse.

"Our rebranding is also substantive," Campbell added. "To rebuild brand loyalty, we will position Bush to the right of Trump and Carson on science, abortion and court appointments."

To reawaken brand awareness among core demographics Bush will repudiate the theory of Heliocentrism. "Everyone can see that Sun revolves around the Earth," Campaign Manager Danny Diaz said. "This will put Trump and Carson in an impossible bind. They must choose between also denying Heliocentrism, and looking like 'me-too' Johnny-come-lately or endorsing an unproven theory that has been rejected by the majority of Republican voters."

"Bush will outflank his rivals on abortion by championing the rights of the preconceived, rights that are threatened by Onanism." Diaz said. "The issue is no longer just about fetuses, it's about pre-fetuses. The preconceived are America's future. A single act of Onanism could deprive our nation of the next Ronald Reagan. "

Bush hopes to appeal to the pro-life religious right by warning that Onanism will grow hair on your hands.

Affirming Dred Scott will become Bush's new litmus test for Supreme Court appointments. David Kochel, Bush's chief strategist pledged. "Appointing conservative Justices like Roger B. Taney and not wild eyed liberals like John Roberts are part of Bush's new brand promise."

Even with rebranding, Bush faces difficulty in repositioning himself on the paramount issue in the campaign -- ignorance of governance, politics and the legislative process

"We knew the two critical aspects of this campaign would be money and ignorance, Kochel revealed. "We locked up the money right away and planned to capture the mantle of ignorance. Hey, he's George W's brother! What could go wrong?"

But having never held public office Trump and Carson credibly professed no knowledge of governance, domestic policy and foreign policy.

Thus far, whenever Bush displayed ignorance, Carson and Trump surpassed him. Initially Bush started with stumbles on Iraq, and then told Americans they need to "work longer hours." But he underestimated Carson and Trump.

Carson claimed the early lead on the ignorance by saying "Obamacare is really I think the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery," labeling Obama "a psychopath," and charging the U.S. is "very much like Nazi Germany" and the Obama administration is "acting like the Gestapo".

When Bush countered with "I'm not sure we need a half a billion dollars for women's health programs," Carson responded with "Because a lot of people who go into prison, go into prison straight -- and when they come out, they're gay," and Trump said that Megyn Kelly had "blood coming out of her wherever," labeled Mexican immigrants "criminals and rapists" and said he would make Mexico pay for a border wall.

"We thought we had reestablished our ignorance chops with our 'stuff' blitz: 'Free Stuff' and 'Stuff happens,'" Diaz admitted. "But in reaction Carson advocated arming Kindergarten teachers, urged potential victims to attack crazed shooters and said 'but I never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away.'"

"The next day he proved that he did not understand the debt ceiling, the federal budget, interests rates and that the Baltic States are members of NATO. Who writes his stuff? It's brilliant.

"We have concluded that we can't compete with Trump and Carson on ignorant statements. But with rebranding we can compete with visuals. We are rolling out new TV spots that show Bush drooling, walking backwards and violently waving his arms while shouting obscenities."