Broken hearts bled all over the good times on last night's episode of Jersey Shore.
We begin, where so many episodes have, with Ronnie and Sammi.
Ron's been hooking up with other women like it's his job. He hasn't gotten caught, because Sammi doesn't want to believe he's unfaithful and nobody wants to tell her the truth.
The rest of the cast is growing tired of the twosome's constant arguing, so Snooki and JWoww decide to write Sammi an anonymous note, telling her that Ronnie has been kissing and motorboating other ladies. (Quick Urban Dictionary definition of motorboating: "to bury ones face in some giant jugs and shake your face back and fourth while blowing out, and making a hubababa sound.")
The letter is all typed up and ready to destroy Sammi, but then Snooks and JWoww decide not to give it to her because, umm... Ronnie is going to be mean to them, or something? It's very hard to tell why the women don't go through with their plan, but, for whatever reason, Ronnie lives to motorboat another day.
The Situation sums up Ronnie's predicament with poetic eloquence. According to Mike, Ronnie wants to be with other girls, but he also wants his cookie (Sammi is the cookie in this baked-goods-based analogy). But The Situation contends that Ronnie needs to give up his cookie and get with different cookies.
"I eat chocolate chip cookies every night," Mike explains proudly. You don't want to know what the term "chocolate chip cookie" means in the Urban Dictionary.
Sammi's not the only one with love troubles. Snooki's "gorilla juicehead" (or boyfriend as they're more commonly called) rings her up to drunkenly apologize for having sex with another girl. Snooki is not at all pleased with this news, so her boyfriend calls an audible. "I was kidding! I'm kidding!" he screams as she slams the phone down. Jesus Snooks, learn to take a hilarious "I slept with another woman" joke.
Snooki lets out a few inhuman screams and then exclaims, "Guys don't know how to deal with women. That's why the lesbian rate is going up in this country."
Yes, that "lesbian rate" just keeps on a climbin'.
These two story lines are the meat and potatoes of episode 4. Let's hope next week's episode, which airs Thursday at 10 p.m. on MTV, marks the end of the Ronnie and Sammi soap opera. Or, we can at least pray we get to hear Ronnie make a "hubababa" sound.