Advice for New Mom Jessica Simpson

Now that Maxwell Drew is finally here, there is so much I have been waiting to tell you!
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Dear Jessica,

Let me be among the first to offer you my heartfelt congratulations -- you did it! Good grief. If it felt to all of us like you'd been pregnant since 2007, to you it must have felt like at least since Employee of the Month was released. Now that Maxwell Drew is finally here, there is so much I have been waiting to tell you!

In life's cruelest irony, those boobs of yours that have appeared to be waiting for this moment all their existence may not work the way you want, and that's okay. Just because it would appear God made you to breastfeed, if it doesn't work out, don't feel like your body is letting you down. Your body deserves a standing ovation!

Don't listen to what people say about the baby weight. You know what? You probably did Maxwell a favor. And when you're up feeding her at 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. (and jeepers! It's 6 a.m. and breakfast time again!) Pop-Tarts are still going to taste just as good as they did last week. You need your strength, especially if you're not getting any sleep. It took you what seemed like 14 months to put it on, so you have until July 2013 to take it off in my book. Can you pretty please be a celebrity who doesn't lose 40 pounds in two weeks to make the rest of us feel better? Consider it a personal favor.

I read that you received something like 24 pairs of shoes at your baby shower. Keep the tags on them -- your baby will never wear them. Babies don't wear shoes. Save yourself a step in the morning and just get those cute little socks that look like shoes. Instead, invest in hair bows, because it's going to drive you crazy when you're at Target and someone says to you, "He's so handsome!" Trust me on that one.

Speaking of shoes, I know you're feeling homesick for your high heels. I hate to break it to you, but it might be a little bit until they fit again. In fact, your feet may have permanently gone up a size. You might want to consider getting your collection stretched so you don't have to start all over. Also, I am a size 7 and will happily take any old pairs off your hands. Or feet.

Start doing those Kegels ASAP. Since you had a C-section, you might want to wait like a day or two, but get flexing. I have a feeling you're probably doing them while you're reading this. I'm doing them while writing this. You'll thank me when you don't pee when you laugh six months from now.

Make Eric change diapers too. That's non-negotiable.

Sure, all babies are beautiful and special in their own way, but just between you and me... yours is totally more beautiful and special than Nick and Vanessa's will ever be. Shhhhhh!

You've finally earned the right to wear those much-ballyhooed mom jeans. But I recommend sticking to an elastic waistband, at least for a few weeks.

Welcome to the Mom Club, and welcome to the world, Maxwell! Jess, really. If you have any questions about how swaddling, sucking out a runny nose or taking a rectal temperature, tweet me @LizKoz.


P.S. You can read more from me here.

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