Jesus came to visit Donald Trump, just as the controversy surrounding Trump’s claim that Obama had tapped his phone was at its highest level.
“I have some news for you, Donald,” said Jesus.
“I hope it’s about how you are going to strike that James Comey dead,” said Trump. “I thought he was my friend but now he is telling everyone I am a liar.”
“Actually that is what I want to talk to you about,” said Jesus.
“So you are going to strike Comey dead?” said Trump. “That is a good idea, believe me. You will be glad you did that. Can I be there when you do it?”
“No. I am not going to strike Comey dead,” said Jesus. “I am here to talk about lying.”
“Great!” said Trump. “It’s about time you took note of the lying media, constantly making stuff up about me. Are you going to strike the New York Times dead?”
“No,” said Jesus.
“How about MSNBC? Can you strike them dead? Especially that skinny woman on Morning Joe with the name I can’t pronounce. She’s a two, by the way.”
“What about the Huffington Post? Could you at least strike them dead?” asked Trump, plaintively. “They deserve it, believe me.”
“I am not striking anybody dead,” said Jesus. “I’m here to give you a special recognition.”
“Well, I can’t say I am surprised,” said Trump. “I knew, sooner or later, you would see just how awesome I am. You must be amazed when you compare me to other people. Did you ever think, when you made Adam and Eve, that a human being could be as great as me?”
“I am indeed amazed,” said Jesus. “But perhaps not in the way you are thinking.”
“What is this award?” asked Trump. “Greatest human ever?”
“No. We are awarding you the lifetime achievement ‘Father of Lies’ award,” said Jesus.
“Father of Lies?” said Trump. “I have heard of that. Was that an Oliver Stone movie?”
“No,” said Jesus. “The Father of Lies is one of many titles people have given to Satan, along with The Great Deceiver, The Evil One, The Adversary.”
“Those are great titles,” said Trump. “I like The Adversary. Can I use that for a reality show after I get impeached?”
“The Father of Lies award,” continued Jesus, “is given to the individual considered the greatest liar of his or her generation. Previous winners have included Judas Iscariot, Benedict Arnold, and Joseph Stalin. Dick Cheney almost won it a few years ago; Richard Nixon missed it by a tiny margin. And now that the Supreme Court has ruled that corporations are people, we will probably give it to Fox News. It’s a lifetime achievement award, usually announced after the recipient dies but in your case we are making an exception.”
“Naturally. Because, you know, I am exceptional. Bigly exceptional.” Trump was beaming. “What do I get for winning this award?”
Jesus was puzzled at Trump’s reaction. “We put your name in a big dark book with previous winners. The book burns constantly but is never destroyed.”
“That’s a cool trick. But don’t I get a plaque, or a statue in heaven somewhere? What is the point of this award?” Trump was agitated.
“Previous winners of the Father of Lies award are not in heaven,” said Jesus. “They are,” he paused, “somewhere else.”
“Wow. So I will be the first winner of the award in heaven?” Trump was beaming. “I guess that is a big deal. I imagine I will get all kinds of special treatment. ‘Father of Lies’—I like that. That would be a good title for a miniseries based on my life.”
Jesus started to respond but noticed that Trump was typing something into his phone.
@realDonaldTrump Just heard from the Big Guy that I have won a major award. Father of Lies. Proud day for me and for America. Bigly.