Shortly after President Donald Trump’s first prayer breakfast Jesus came to visit him at Trump Tower. After some small talk, Jesus explained the reason for his visit.
“I came in response to your prayer request at the breakfast,” said Jesus. “I understand you asked for me to intervene on behalf of your show ‘The Apprentice. I want to get some more details to help me make my decision.”
“Weren’t you at the breakfast?” asked Trump. “Franklin Graham said you were.”
“Franklin who?” said Jesus.
“Franklin Graham!” said Trump. “The best Christian in America. He said he could feel your presence at the breakfast.”
“No,” said Jesus. “That must have been some other presence. But tell me about your prayer request.”
“Are you sure weren’t there? I thought you were everywhere. Aren’t you omni-place or something like that?”
“No. Sometimes I skip things,” said Jesus. “I stopped attending that breakfast years ago when they stopped inviting my friends. So tell me what you want.”
“Ok. Let me explain,” said Trump. “Since I left the The Apprentice the ratings are going down, down, down. I still make a pretty penny from every episode—for doing zero work! It’s a great gig! But if the ratings keep dropping the show will be cancelled.”
“And you would like me to make the ratings go back up?” said Jesus.
“Yes. Of course. It’s a great show. The greatest show on television. At least it was until I was replaced by that loser Arnold Schwarzenegger.”
“What makes it a great show?” asked Jesus.
“Don’t tell me you haven’t seen it?” said Trump. “Everyone has seen The Apprentice. Everyone! It has the largest audience of any show ever. Over ten billion people every week.”
“But there are only seven billion people on the planet,” said Jesus.
“Not according to my facts,” said Trump, “The media is always understating my audiences. Ten billion people watch my show every week. Believe me.”
Jesus looked puzzled.
“But the population of the earth is much less. Our records record the population of the earth as just over seven billion,” said Jesus. “And we have very good records in heaven.”
“I hate to say this, Jesus, but someone in heaven must be working with the dishonest media,” said Trump. “Feeding you alternative facts. Probably CNN. If Anderson Cooper is in heaven don’t trust anything he says.”
“Perhaps,” said Jesus. “But back to the ratings you are praying will go up. Why should I boost them?”
“I told you! The show is great. When I would say ‘you’re fired’ to some poor loser, it was so great to see the sad look on their face, knowing they had to go back to their sad loser lives.” Trump made a sad face as he said this, and trudged, hunched over, to the door, imitating someone who had just been fired. “I am so sad. Such a loser. I got fired by Donald Trump! Ha ha. It’s great! Believe me! I should quit this president thing and go back on the show. Of course, I do get to fire a lot of people as president. Not as many as I would like though.” Trump lapsed into silence, looking very unhappy.
Jesus walked to the window and spoke softly. “You say your show is great because you humiliate people for entertainment. You give people hope and then laugh when you take it away.”
“Yes!,” said Trump. “Exactly. You see how great it is. So you’ll help? Make the ratings go back up?”
Jesus continued as though he had not heard. “In the kingdom of God we celebrate the less fortunate—those that struggle. We consider them blessed and sacrifice so things might work out for them. Blessed are the meek, we say, for they shall inherit the earth. We treat widows and orphans as special because they need us.”
Trump interrupted. “The meek inherit the earth? News to me. What does meek mean anyway? Isn’t it just another name for loser? I am a winner. I have a winning temperament.”
Jesus continued. “Could the apprentice be changed so that the person who needs the job the most would get it? Could The Apprentice find people who were homeless or unemployed or not allowed to work legally in the United States and give them great jobs in the Trump organization? Give them a chance at a good life?”
Trump interrupted. “Give jobs to losers? Illegals? Homeless people who stink to the high heaven?” Trump began walking about his penthouse waving his arms.
“Sorry Jesus—but this seems rather upside down, doesn’t it? The winners get the goods, not the losers. That’s why I have so much stuff. That’s what I tried to tell Bush about the oil in Iraq. We won the war; we should get the oil. Those sandal-wearing losers should get nothing—that is why they are losers.” Trump pulled out his phone.
“I feel a tweet coming on.”
Jesus turned and stared at Trump. “It’s a fallen world. The ratings for The Apprentice may go up on their own.”
But Trump wasn’t listening. He was typing something into his phone.
@realDonaldTrump Just heard the craziest thing. Jesus loves losers! LOSERS! No wonder Christianity is going down the tubes. Sad!