Not long after Donald Trump’s first major press conference Jesus came to visit him at Trump Tower.
“Donald, I am concerned about your honesty and the bad example you are setting for young people who are looking to you for leadership,” said Jesus.
“Jesus Christ! Oops. Sorry Jesus. Oh wait. That is your name, right? I knew that,” said Trump.
“I have to say Jesus—and I say this as a good Christian—sometimes you sound like CNN,” said Trump. “Always making up bad stuff about me. I’m a good example for people to follow, I assure you. The best. ”
“But you lie all the time,” responded Jesus, gently.
“What is wrong with that?” said Trump.
“Lying is wrong,” said Jesus.
“Who says lying is wrong? Beside I don’t really lie, I just present alternative facts that are more true,” said Trump. It’s the fake media that lies. Like when they say there is a poll that gives me a low approval rating when there is also a poll that if it were fair would give me a high rating. I just help people understand which poll is real, and which is fake.”
“Being truthful is one of the most important Christian virtues,” said Jesus. “Even the Ten Commandments says lying is wrong.”
Jesus opened up his Torah and began reading, “Do not bear false witness against your neighbor.”
“That doesn’t say anything about lying,” interrupted Trump.
“Yes. Bearing false witness is the same as lying,” said Jesus.
“I don’t think so. And besides, that only applies to stuff you say to your neighbors,” responded Trump. “The American people are hardly my neighbors. All those losers with their baseball hats, whining about their lousy jobs, their failing schools, their healthcare. Like I am going to do something about any of that!”
“But you made promises to these people—and they voted for you,” said Jesus.
“I just said that stuff to get elected. Actually I just said it to get more famous—improve my brand, my great brand—and then somehow I ended up getting elected president of the United States, even though most people didn’t vote for me. Not sure how that happened. But these people think I am supposed to fix things? How am I going to do that?”
“You could start by telling people the truth,” said Jesus. “The truth has power. The truth sets you free. A truthful person can see the world as it really is, which is what you must do if you want to make it better.”
Jesus could see that Trump was losing focus so he tried another tactic.
“Let me tell you a story, Donald. Once there was a little boy who got a brand new axe for his birthday. When his parents went away to run an errand, he was so excited about his new axe that he cut down his mother’s favorite tree—a lovely cherry tree in front of her kitchen window. When his parents came home the little boy’s mother was very sad to see her tree was gone. The boy’s father was angry and said ‘Who chopped down this tree?’”
Jesus paused to make sure Donald was still awake. He kicked him in the shin and continued.
“What do you think the little boy said?”
Trump formed his mouth into a perfect circle, hesitated, and said, “I would hope that boy would say that the illegal immigrant from next door cut it down.”
“But that would be a lie,” said Jesus.
“No,” said Trump, “that would be an alternative fact.”
Jesus stared at Trump, shaking his head gently. I wonder if this man even knows what a fact is.
“The little boy believed it was wrong to tell a lie,” said Jesus. “So he said to his father ‘I cannot tell a lie. I cut down the tree,’ even though he knew he would be in trouble.”
“Well, I bet that little boy never grew up to be president of the United States!” said Trump.
“Do you know who that little boy was?” asked Jesus.
“No. But he clearly had never read The Art of the Deal,” said Trump.
“That was George Washington,” said Jesus.
“Well, what can you expect from a kid named after a bridge,” said Trump, taking out his phone.
@realDonaldTrump George Washington was such a loser. Made trouble for himself by stupidly stating real facts, instead of alternative ones. Sad!