Ever notice that the porn industry loves the Catholic Schoolgirl but ignores her Hebrew Schoolgirl counterpart? And did you know that only one Miss America has ever been a Jewess? Never fear. The time has finally come for Jewish women to be objectified and fetishized just like spicy Latinas, ebony beauties, and exotic, fine-boned China dolls.
For decades the Jewish woman has found herself woefully deprived of being reduced to her sex appeal. Apparently, she was too busy complaining, spending other people's money, and going to law school. For Jewish men--at least the ones on tv--cultural assimilation meant settling down with a bland-tempered, fair-haired shiksa (see Mad About You, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and The War at Home). For women, it meant nose jobs and arm waxes. To add insult to injury, Barbie dolls come in nearly every shade of the ethnic rainbow, except Sephardic.
But now we can stop feeling so valued-for-our-internal-worth, because the very first Jewish swimsuit calendar, courtesy of Heeb Magazine, is about to hit shelves, and it features the lovely "ladies of '69." (That would refer to the year 5769 in Hebrew Time). I can't decide if this is a compliment or something to be loud, aggressive, and whiny about.
The real question is whether or not the fact that Jewish girls are finally sexy will have any long-term media effects. (Maybe adult titles like "Bang My Bagel" or "Milk and Honeypots"?) Personally, I'm not sure what I'd say if Dov Charney asked me to appear in an American Apparel ad wrapped in a tiny green spandex Torah.
I mean, what would Emma Goldman do?