Jiggling Your Boobs Is Healthy

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I don't know why or how the weird and outrageous find me, but they do, and because they do, you are the lucky beneficiaries.

I bring you the Beauty Lift High Nose. My god, who was in this pitch meeting? Lift High Nose? It really doesn't leave anything to the imagination, does it? The manufacturers sure didn't want there to be any confusion as to what this proboscis contraption's purpose was.

When the Beauty Lift High Nose is worn snugly around the problematic proboscis just three minutes a day, it will aid in lifting your snout higher on your face, (who knows, it might make it up onto the forehead- if that's your desired final resting place) as well as making it firmer.

Now I'm no plastic surgeon, but I wasn't aware that schnoz firmness was an issue for people. But if it is, than those people may want to try this nifty gadget. Vibrations emanate from all sides of the plastic doohickey, and, well, it just may do the trick. And everyone knows that a firm and lifted beak screams youthful vigor.

And did I mention that it was a fraction of the price of actual rhinoplasty?

But if the Beauty Lift High Nose isn't your cup of tea, than what about the Breast Gymnastics Hand Massager. The title is a bit more nebulous, and honestly I really don't know where to begin with this one. My breasts are going to do gymnastics? I read gymnastics and I think balance beam and back handsprings. How do my boobs fit into the equation?

Basically it's a hand massager that's used to reshape sagging boobs, and because of it's size, it can reach around into those places that your hands cannot. (Although that's what lovers are for). The plastic hand is even molded in the shape of the woman's hand who developed this cutting edge product, so it's as if she's feeling you up.

The woman has developed a system called, Breast Gymnastics, which consists of a bunch of different ways to massage the breasts, including jiggling and juggling them. She claims that this will increase breast health and improve their shape. I'm all for healthy mammaries and keeping gravity at bay, but the fact that Breast Gymnastics is a thing confuses the fuck out of me.

Back in the day, we called this massaging a self breast exam, or simply playing with ourselves (because we could). Sometimes, when we were lucky, we had someone else play with them.

Why do I need to read a book, watch a video, or buy what looks like a fancy back scratcher, to do this? Someone enlighten me. Please.