Funny And Heartfelt Quotes About Parenthood From Jimmy Kimmel

The talk show host has four kids ― Katie, Kevin, Jane and Billy.
Jimmy Kimmel and his family attend the L.A. Loves Alex's Lemonade charity event on Sept. 8, 2018, in Los Angeles.
Jimmy Kimmel and his family attend the L.A. Loves Alex's Lemonade charity event on Sept. 8, 2018, in Los Angeles.

Jimmy Kimmel has often shared glimpses into his experience as a dad.

The late-night talk show host and his wife, Molly McNearney, have a daughter and a son, Jane and Billy. He also has a daughter and a son, Katie and Kevin, from his first marriage to Gina Kimmel.

In honor of his birthday, here are 10 parenting quotes from Kimmel.

On Pregnancy

“We got the ultrasound ― which is weird because it’s like you’re already spying on the baby ― but we asked the technician not to tell us whether we’re having a boy or a girl. ... We want that to be a surprise but I have been trying to think of names that would work for a boy or girl. So far, I’ve come up with two: number one, Dyson after the vacuum or Gelatin with a J. No? That’s exactly what my wife said.”

On The Magic Of Elf On The Shelf

“It works! Our daughter Jane is 4 years old. That elf is in the room, I don’t know who this kid is. She’s an angel. Yesterday, she shared a toy with her brother for the first time in, I don’t know, their lives. She has this airplane and he wanted it, but instead of tackling it and taking it from him, not only did she share it, she presented it to him ― like Vanna White on ‘Wheel of Fortune.’ And then, I swear to God, she gives it to him. She’s like, ‘Billy, I know this is mine, but I want you to play with it.’ And then, I swear to God, she did this ― she turned and winked at the elf.”

On The Challenge Of Elf On The Shelf

“I know we’re going to forget about it. I can barely keep up with the Tooth Fairy! ... There needs to be a service that comes to your house and moves the elf around for you. We’re already out of ideas. Tonight I’m just going to duct tape the elf to a Roomba and let it move around itself.”

On Discovering His Younger Son’s Heart Condition

“More doctors and nurses and equipment started coming in, and they determined he wasn’t getting enough oxygen into his blood. It’s a terrifying thing ― my wife is back in the recovery room, she has no idea what’s going on, and I’m standing in the middle of a group of very worried-looking people. ... If your baby is going to die and it doesn’t have to, it shouldn’t matter how much money you make. I think that’s something that whether you’re a Republican or a Democrat or something else, we all agree on that, right? ... No parent should ever have to decide if they can afford to save their child’s life. It just shouldn’t happen. Not here.”

On Having His Third Child

“I told my [older] daughter, ‘Listen, there’s only so much love I have to give ― you’re gonna have to split it up with the new kid. There’s a finite amount of love and that’s that.’ So they’re dealing with it, but it is very weird at my age. I’m going to be one of those old dads.”

On Disclosing His Son’s Health Condition

“What I didn’t think through was that everywhere I went, every day of my life, people would be asking me how my son is doing. But, thank God, I can say he’s doing well. If that wasn’t the case, each day would be very, very painful.”

On Raising A Picky Eater

“My daughter Jane refuses to eat anything right now. ... Jane doesn’t like to eat and she doesn’t like to sleep, which are two of the four basic things you need to do to stay alive. All she will eat is rice, beans, peanut butter and pasta. And of course, candy, cake and cereal and cookies. Yesterday, my wife promised her that we would make chocolate chip cookies together for dessert while I made risotto for dinner. ... I cooked for hours and when I was done, I put it in a bowl and she wouldn’t eat it. I tried everything. I told her it was pasta. I told her it was Wonder Woman food. She refused to even try it. I begged her. I tried to bribe her. I got nothing. She wanted cookies before dinner. She just kept saying no, no. She’s relentless. So finally I reach my breaking point. I snap. I didn’t know what to do, so I went over to the tray of freshly made chocolate chip cookies and I said, ‘If you don’t eat this rice, I’m going to throw these cookies in the pool.’ And she says no, so I picked up a chocolate chip cookie and I chucked it into the pool. And I said, ‘Are you going to eat the rice?’ and she said no, so I picked another cookie up and threw it into the pool. My wife walks in and she goes, ‘What is going on in here?’ I was a maniac. I had no good explanation for what was going on, but guess what? She ate the rice. And I’ll tell you something. To pick a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie up ... to throw it in the pool on purpose ... to will your body to do that, I imagine it’s similar to what it would be like to intentionally drive your car into the mailbox. But she did eat the rice.”

On Baby Names

“I like the name Karate. I think Karate Kimmel has a great ring to it. And I like, you know, the Kardashians with the two K’s thing. It’s nice.”

On Balance

“It’s good to have time at home with the kids, but there is such a thing as too much time at home with the kids. And last night, around 6 p.m., I reached that time limit.”

On His Son’s Progress

“He’s doing great. Young Billy made his first visit to our office today. He’s juggling. He’s translating Flaubert from French into English. He’s really an amazing kid. No ― he smiles. That’s pretty much it. He is very interested in ceiling fans. He likes those a lot. I could get him to pay the same amount for Netflix just to watch ceiling fans.”