Do you like politics? Seek power and influence? Have a spare million dollars?
We are looking for 435 highly motivated self-starters who work well individually and in a team environment.
You will be part of our dynamic and geographically diverse team of lawmakers who are literally writing history, one bill at a time!
The ideal candidate need not have a solid grasp of the legislative process, as decisions will be dictated by supervisors on K Street and in leadership. But he or she must have a sizable fortune or, at least, connections to a web of wealthy donors.
You will report to: 700,000 people from your area, the congressional leaders of your party, committee chairs who will decide if you get to do anything, outside groups looking to influence you, lobbyists who will only give you money -- or, at least, more money -- if you vote the right way, and a malleable conscience that can somehow rationalize the periodic abandonment of your principles to stay in office.
Responsibilities:
- Dealing with the concerns of approximately 700,000 people
- Getting yelled at by voters in the basement of your local VFW
- Raising money
- Asking people for money
- Asking groups for money
- Attending events to raise money
- Calling people to ask for money
- Giving the money you raised to the campaign arm of your political party
- Walking in small-town parades (or riding in the back of a convertible)
- Smiling
- Spending time away from your family
- Sitting through hearings
- Nodding your head at key moments
- Knowing which defense contractors do business in your area
- Giving Capitol tours to important donors and constituents
- Maintaining a strong social media presence
- Delivering floor speeches praising the unexceptional achievements of people from your district
- Having a PAC
- Trashing the president (NOTE: only if the president is from a different party)
- Defending the president (NOTE: only if the president is from the same party)
- Promising to change the way we do business in Washington
- Embracing the way we do business in Washington
- Delegating your major responsibilities to an underpaid staff of 20-somethings
- Familiarizing yourself with Federal Election Commission guidelines so that you can go right up to the edge of the law without breaking it
- Appreciating reception cheese platters
- Lawmaking
- Getting picked up at the airport and squeezing into the mid-2000s sedan driven by your district scheduler
- Stressing the details of your humble upbringing (fathers working in steel, paper or textile mills a plus!)
- Differentiating between the Lions Club, Kiwanis Club and Rotary Club
- Praising the "wisdom, hard work and can-do spirit" of community leaders in your district
- Showing a willingness to vote the way your party leaders decide
- Touting minor accomplishments that you played a negligible role in
- Being ethically and morally ambiguous
- Wearing a hard hat on plant tours in your district
- Writing letters
- Making bets with rival congressmen when your area sports team is competing for a championship
- Keeping the government funded
- Not getting embroiled in a sex scandal
- Remembering to wear your member pin
- Maintaining the thin veneer of a functioning democracy
Qualifications:
- At least 25 years old
- Have been a U.S. citizen for the last seven years
- Be an inhabitant of the state you represent
- Some education and work experience preferred but not required
We offer a generous compensation package of $174,000 per year, with some benefits. (You will have to purchase your health care on the Obamacare exchanges.)
Most compensation, however, is offered on a deferred basis and will be provided to you after you leave the position by the companies you will meet while in the job. Previous holders of the position have gone on to well-compensated careers in a variety of rewarding corporate environments.
We do offer an exceptional pension program, however, and we take the entire month of August off (October, too, in even-numbered years). We also typically designate one week a month as a "district work period," whatever that means.
This job is on a two-year contract basis.
Travel required. Some weekend work. A second residence is recommended.
***Principals only. Recruiters, please do not contact this job poster.