Joe the Plumber is Very Queer

In an interview with Christianity Today magazine, popular Republican spokesman Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher (better known by his beloved cartoon name, 'Joe the Plumber') was discussing homosexuals, or as he deftly put it, "queers," and explained that "I wouldn't have them anywhere near my children."

Finally, I can empathize with him about something. After all, that's how I feel about Michele Bachmann.

Okay, in fairness, it's how I feel about Michele Bachmann near anyone. And I also think my concern is far more valid than Mr. Wurzelbacher's. If a homosexual (sorry, "queer") is in the vicinity of Mr. Wurzelbacher's children, there's basically a zero chance that anything would happen, even if the guy started singing a medley from "High School Musical." On the other hand, if Michele Bachmann started talking, the odds skyrocket that all those within hearing distance would instantly become terrified because she is speaking for the United States of America.

And being fair here, I have to admit that that's also how I feel about Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher. Just knowing that he has been given a public microphone cheapens the concept of life as we know it. After all, thanks to John McCain inviting him on the same platform, providing this unlicensed plumber a world stature, scientists have begun to question Charles Darwin's "survival of the fittest" theory.

I even feel uncomfortable knowing that Mr. Wurzelbacher and I come from the same life source. If it turns out that Michele Bachmann does, too, I'm going to be really pissed off.

Of course, who really should be pissed off is the Republican Party, which has put such a loving effort into cultivating the trademarked "Joe the Plumber" cartoon character persona for Mr. Wurzelbacher to perform on tour. And then their spokesman - regularly invited to speak to GOP conventions - suddenly makes mean-spirited ignorance look like a qualification for party membership.

"People don't understand the dictionary," the eminent Professor Wurzelbacher lectured, "- it's called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It's not like a slur..."

He's right, providing your definition of "slur" doesn't include meaning "disparaging." And your definition of "dictionary" doesn't include the Merriam-Webster.

Indeed, this is a man of many talents (although none includes being a registered plumber in his home state of Ohio). "You know, God is pretty explicit in what we're supposed to do," Reverend Wurzelbacher preached to Christianity Today, "- what man and woman are for."

He's right, again, providing your Bible reading does include Exodus 21:7. ""If a man sells his daughter as a female slave, she is not to go free as the male slaves do." You don't get more explicit than that. In fairness, however, lists 12 different versions of that one line, so maybe God isn't as explicit as Joe the Preacher thinks.

The only thing that is explicit is that Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher is queer. (That's not a slur. It just means strange and unusual.) After all, he says, "I've had some friends that are actually homosexual." ("Had" as in, previously.) But then he adds, "they know where I stand," so one wonders if the queer Mr. Wurzelbacher defines "friendship" like he does "slur."

Given how the Republican Party just held its Pizza Party in an effort to "re-brand" themselves and open their Big Tent to all, it's surprising that there haven't been any cries of outrage from Republican "leaders," abhorring this homophobia. We can assume, therefore, that the Republican Party does invite open queers like Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher as their strange and unusual spokesmen.

And that only makes sense, since the party accepts Michele Bachmann as a strange and unusual spokeswoman, too. It's not that far a leap from one to the other.

The only thing surprising about Michele Bachmann as a Republican official and regular spokeswoman is that she was elected in Minnesota.

Minnesota? Minnesota is so normal it makes Nebraska look wacky. From summers I spent near Duluth, I still remember a radio ad for Goldfine's department store selling "Potted plants, potted in pots." That's how plain-spoken normal Minnesota was. They must be mortified at Michele Bachmann.

Of course, Minnesota has gone through rough political times recently. Electing Jesse Ventura, holding the Republican National Convention, unable to get Norm Coleman to admit defeat. Ever since Garrison Keillor left, the state has been in a downward spiral.

And so you get Michele Bachmann. Minnesota's version of Katherine Harris. Politics' version of "Desperate Housewives." Someone so needy to get on TV she'll say anything, humiliate herself, and come back begging for more. She's like Joe McCarthy but with better hair and absolutely no power. Calling for "anti-American" investigations of Congress. Hoping for an "armed and dangerous" revolution. Suggesting that Democrats want mandatory "re-education camps." And just last week, getting history totally wrong by drawing a non-existent link between swine flu and Democratic presidents. What is Minnesota's 6th District thinking? Do they just need a good laugh? Because honestly, I'd accept that as the only explanation.

Yet, despite it all, Republicans embrace her, proud to have her as a spokeswoman, as well, putting her on the dais with party chairman Michael Steele. Shouting to him, "You be da man!"

Michele Bachmann is queer, too.

But that's not a slur. It means "strange and unusual."

Just like the Republican Party these days.

Full of queers. According to their cartoon spokesman, Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher.


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