Tear Stocks Plummet After John Boehner Announces Resignation

Keep it together. Keep it together. Keep it together.

Tear stocks and crybaby futures hit a record low on Wall Street Friday just minutes after Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner announced that he would resign from Congress.

Tears stalled and collected themselves briefly, but then fell gradually before losing all traction and plummeting to ground level.

Traders did all they could to hold onto the tears they still had. They smiled uncomfortably or did that thing where your lower lip quivers for a long time. 

When reached for comment, most traders told The Huffington Post that they had something in their eye and couldn't "do this right now."

Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together...

Not here. Nope, not here.

 [Exhales forcefully, clears throat.] 


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