When you land a high-profile interview, don't forget to ask the important questions.
Questions like, "Would you rather have peanut butter snot or seaweed fingers?" and "Would you rather never be able to dip your cookie in milk, or always have cold french fries?"
John Oliver fielded those questions and more while waiting backstage at "The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon" earlier this week where he played "Would You Rather" using material supplied by fans on the Internet.
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To his credit, Oliver gives surprisingly well thought out answers to some off-the-wall questions. Watch the segment, above.
H/T Digg
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Before You Go
14
The Death Penalty
"Whether you are boiling people alive or putting them to sleep with a tiny injection administered by a puppy dressed like Winnie the Pooh, in the end, you are getting the same result."
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13
American & British Influence In Uganda's Anti-Gay Laws
"Clearly, U.S. groups recognized the market for homophobia stateside was dwindling, and so tried to sell it somewhere else. Meaning that, Africa isn't just where we send our losing teams Super Bowl shirts, it's also now where we send our losing political philosophies."
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12
Net Neutrality
"The guy who used to run the cable industry's lobbying arm is now running the agency tasked with regulating it. That is the equivalent of needing a babysitter and hiring a dingo."
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11
Civil Forfeiture
"That's right, [the police] buy toys with pennies from heaven. Well, they should know those pennies may not be falling from heaven, so much as from the pockets of people they are holding upside down and shaking."
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10
The Pumpkin Spice Latte
"We tolerate pumpkin spice because we like the fall. It's the best season because you get to stop thinking about how weird your legs look in shorts."
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9
The Sugar Industry
"We are proposing, in the spirit of Halloween, that product manufacturers express their sugar content in the form of candy. Specifically, circus peanuts, the most disgusting of all the candies. They taste like an elephant ejaculated into a packet of Splenda... Do it, food makers. Expose your peanuts to the world. Because if you're going to shove your peanuts in our mouths, the very least you can do is tell us what we're swallowing."
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8
The Lottery
"It seems winning the lottery can be like marrying Tom Cruise. Sure, it seems amazing in your mind. You might even dream about it happening one day. But, if it actually does, five years later, the magic will be over, you will be estranged from your family, and you will have seen things you can never unsee. NEVER."
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7
The Wealth Gap
"Sixty-five percent of Americans believe that the wealth gap is increasing and 60 percent believe our system unfairly favors the wealthy, but ... 60 percent also believe that most people who want to get ahead can make it if they are willing to work hard. Or in other words, 'I can clearly see that this game is rigged, which is what's gonna make it so sweet when I win this thing.'"
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6
Payday Loans
"Payday loans are like the Lay's Potato Chips of finance. You can't have just one and they're TERRIBLE for you."
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5
The American Prison System
"Our drug laws are a little draconian, and a lot racist. Because while white people and African Americans use drugs about the same amount, a study has found that African Americans have been sent to prison for drug offenses at up to 10 times the rate for some utterly known reason."
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4
Ferguson Violence & Militarized Police
"The police are not soldiers. So why in this photo from Ferguson are they wearing fucking camo? They are northwest of St. Louis, not northwest of the Amazon. If you are a cop in the United States, you should dress for the job you have, not the job you want."
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3
Climate Change Skeptics
"You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or five?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?' The debate on climate change ought not to be whether or not it exists. It's what we should do about. There is a mountain of research on this topic.”
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2
The Miss America Pageant
"Currently, the biggest scholarship program exclusively for women in America requires you to be unmarried, with a mint-condition uterus, and also rewards working knowledge of buttock adhesive technology, which is just a little bit unsettling!"
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1
Dr. Oz and Dietary Supplements
"If [Dr. Oz wants] to keep spouting this bullshit, that's fine, but don't call [his] show 'Dr. Oz,' call it 'Check This Shit Out With Some Guy Named Mehmet.'
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