Opponents of marriage equality trotted out the same old arguments at the Supreme Court on Tuesday. And on Wednesday's "The Daily Show," Jon Stewart positively crushed every single one of their talking points.
First, he took on the slippery slope argument. Justice Samuel Alito suggested that legalizing gay marriage might force states to also allow plural marriage between two men and two women.
"Why should gay people have to account for anyone who's ever going to want to get married after they get the right to marry?" Stewart asked. "When women fought for suffrage, no one was like, 'Well, what if one day a dog wants to vote, how about that, ladies?'"
Stewart also tackled arguments that the court shouldn't get involved, arguments about the history of marriage, arguments over ending the debate, and, of course, arguments that the purpose of marriage is procreation.
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg asked John Bursch, a bow tie-clad attorney arguing against gay marriage, if a 70-year-old couple should be denied the right to marry since they can't have children.
Or as Stewart paraphrased it:
And this 70-year-old couple, not matter how much they fuck -- and they fuck a lot, in the sit-down shower, on that electric stair chair, then over on the mahjong table -- they're not having kids. Is theirs not a Constitutionally worthy fuck-fest filled love as well?
Bursch argued that "a 70-year-old man obviously is still capable of having children and we'd like to keep that within the marriage."
Stewart said Bursch "would've been better off answering 'homina-homina-homina,' spinning the bowtie, throwing a smoke bomb and getting the fuck out of the room."
"Bottom line is this," Stewart concluded. "If oral arguments have any impact on the final result, June is going to be a nice time for a gay wedding."
The Supreme Court is expected to issue its decision before its term ends in June.