I have a friend who doesn't like to go to restaurants alone. She will only eat out with friends. And, while I can't say that I share the same sentiment, there is one thing about it that gets tiresome. When I go up to the host or hostess to be seated, and they see I'm alone, they often say, "Just one?" Maybe it's my imagination, but as their voice-tone rises at the end of the question, I often feel like I'm being sucker-punched with their seeming-judgment. It's as if they are really saying, "I wonder why she can't get a date?" or the like.
Now, some of you will say I'm being overly sensitive, but let's face it, society is not easy on those of us who are single. Whether it's well-meaning friends saying, "Have you tried online dating?" as if this is a novel idea, or relatives telling me I need to be more aggressive about "putting myself out there," there seems to be an idea hanging in the air that if you are not a "party of two" something is seriously wrong.
Enter mental illness. As some of you may remember from some of my other blogs, I am a person living with bipolar disorder. Granted, I've been living in recovery for about a decade, and have not had symptoms for much of that time, but still, the diagnosis exists. And, just like the "single" label, I am not immune to the fact that mental illness carries a heavy stigma in our society as well.
So, as a single woman who writes and speaks openly about my mental illness, I'm often asked the question by friends and family: "Are you sure you want to write about your mental illness like that even though you are single?"
I contemplated this question a lot before I took the first step, "coming out" about my mental illness on MySpace some 10 years ago. Then 27 and hoping to meet my future life partner soon, I thought, "Will men reject me if I am publicly out there about my diagnosis?" I considered this, while considering my dating history from the past. I had always been forthcoming about my diagnosis when dating someone new. And, it didn't seem to stop men from wanting to date me. Would it be different if I was publicly out there?
For now, the answer to this is mixed. To be truthful, I'm now 37, and I'm still single. But, there have been other complicating factors. My last relationship was quite difficult and hurtful, so I have to admit I'm a bit timid about making efforts to get into a new relationship. In addition, due to a medication change about 10 years ago, I gained 100 pounds very rapidly. And while I've taken some of it off, it's difficult to feel confident around men when I was once used to attracting them in a different body size. These are both issues that I'm working through, and coming to a greater sense of self-love in the process.
As I'm starting to date again, I'm seeing what works and what does not. For me, online dating gets too complicated. I've found that when I've given my last name to guys before meeting them in person, they have disappeared. Have they Googled me and read my articles? I'm not sure, but it is one possible explanation.
So, what is working? When I meet someone in a natural environment, I feel better. I meet men as friends, and am forthcoming about my mental health background, and the recovery that I'm proud of. Many times, they are actually impressed. In context, I have a great story -- I am happy and stable and I am always working on growing and becoming my best self.
And, while I'm single, I'm certainly not sitting around eating bon-bons singing "one day my prince will come." In fact, I'm happier now than I've ever been -- single or attached. I am happy from the inside based on working on myself mentally, spiritually, intellectually, and physically every day. I have a career that I'm quite passionate about training mental health professionals for one of the top hospitals in NYC and life coaching clients on the side, I'm a doctoral student, and I'm surrounded by many people that I love, both friends and family. Since I believe that the best relationships are formed between two whole, emotionally healthy individuals, I'm grateful to be in this place.
I really believe that the thing I like most about love is the love that comes out of me when I'm in a relationship. And, I've found a way to create that by giving as much love to this beautiful world as I can on a regular basis.
Maya Angelou once said in an interview:
What I would really like said about me is that I dared to love. By love I mean that condition in the human spirit so profound it encourages us to develop courage and build bridges, and then to trust those bridges and cross the bridges in attempts to reach other human beings.
Whether I'm working with clients, training professionals, or saying hello to the security guard who keeps us safe outside of my building, I make a conscious effort to exude love -- for them, but also for me, because that feeling of giving love helps me to remain happy.
What would I say to other "parties of one" who want to date, but are afraid that their mental illness will hold them back? You are loveable exactly as you are, and you deserve to love and be loved in return. When you awaken to your own greatness, others will as well.