What could the dating experiences of little old me - a 40-something, recently divorced mom - possibly have in common with those of a 23 year old gay man?
As it turns out, quite a bit.
A recent chat with my friend Kyle had us both in stitches over the "types" we've discovered in the course of our (mis)adventures in dating. No need to swipe, folks - just read on for a sampling...
The Pretty Boy
I can't go out with this guy because his hair always looks better than mine. Ditto for Kyle (and really, this is a crime, because Kyle has fabulous hair). Ladies and gents, if it walks like a Ken doll, talks like a Ken doll, and never met a mirror it wasn't ready to make love to, it's likely The Pretty Boy you're dealing with. Nice arm candy, but be warned: he's only got enough love for himself.
The Clooney
This is a tough one. Dashingly handsome, but with serious talent and substance to boot. Has avoided commitment thus far, but causes everyone he comes into contact with to swoon in hopes of being 'The One.' But let's get real, kids. How many of us are truly in a class with Amal? Keep your head on straight. Your skivvies, too.
The Pious One
Maybe he's an actual pillar of his particular religious community. Maybe he's just religious in his devotion to yoga, meditation, or his vegan diet. But this is the man who gets you singing 'Son of a Preacher Man' in the shower and has you swearing you'll convert. You know - right up until the religious exclamations at romantic moments throw a wet blanket over your desire. Put down the Kool Aid. You know he's gonna dump you for a blonde with family money anyway.
The Trust Fund Brat
Speaking of family money... This is that delightfully soft, sweet guy - the one with wild stories, sparkling eyes, and a prep school past. He's the one you fall for immediately. And it's mutual. The problem? He comes with more strings attached than a marionette, and at the end of each is a family member so horrific only monarchies are creepier. Give it a whirl - but keep scissors and running shoes handy.
The Life of the Party
This is the guy whose dating site profile lists him as "fun loving" and features an adult beverage in every photo. It's also sort of silly that he even has a dating site profile at all, since Grindr is more his style. If you're looking to wake up bruised, hung-over and naked on a yacht you don't remember boarding, this is the guy for you. Otherwise? Not so much.
The Strong & Silent
Oh, this one's a doozy. He's handsome. Mysterious. Says more with a glance than he ever does with those sultry lips of his. And you know what? It's because he's got nothin'. There's either not a whole lot going on between those lovely ears, or he has some terrible, soul-deep scars that prevent him from expressing himself. You'd do better dating the Dos Equis guy. At least he comes with a script.
The Shopper
This is the guy who looks so damn good on paper, and there's that lovely frisson of chemistry - but wait... You're out to dinner and he's got his eye on the waitstaff hotties. Or you're in the sack and the sweet nothings he whispers in your ear are all, "Tell me again about that threesome you had in college...are you still in touch with them?" You get out of that much-needed shower and find him frantically swiping through Tinder. Yeah. You're not bad. But he's still looking to see if he can do better. Which means, of course, that you really can do better.
The Momma's Boy
This man-child starts out looking great (He's so good to his mother! So respectful! So deferent! What's not to like?), but eventually he makes Norman Bates seem rational. His mommy's got him convinced that he's Special...and no one is good enough for her boy. Are you deluded enough to think you are? She'll spare no effort in slowly, painfully proving you wrong. And your Prince Charming? Don't wait for him to come to your rescue. There isn't even a problem. There couldn't be. His momma's simply the best. Advice? Run. Just run. Run now.
We identified a couple of notable others (God's Gift, The Wandering Penis), but as these types seemed to overlap a bit with those detailed above, I'll leave them to your imagination.
As for me and Kyle, we have no idea why we're still single.
After all, we're perfectly pleasant in every way...