Do you remember Batkid, the cute little boy from the Make-A-Wish foundation? His dream was to be a superhero. So thousands of kindhearted people came together to turn San Francisco into a real life Gotham City. And five-year-old Miles Scott was able to live out his fantasy.
Similarly, it's kind of sweet that so many people are joining in the fun and playing along with Kanye West's dream of being a real life fashion designer.
Kanye isn't technically a child, but he throws tantrums and he thinks everything should be about him and he's just absolutely adorable. We're trying to set him up on a play date with my son Austin. I hope Kanye likes Chuck E. Cheese!
Oh, years from now, when he's a grown up and all his imaginary friends are gone, Kanye will understand that it was just pretend. But, for right now, there's nothing wrong with enabling a good kid to feel special. And thousands of good Samaritans have joined together to help create this elaborate world of make-believe: the volunteers willing to attend- and applaud!- his fashion show, the big-hearted media folks lending a helping hand by covering Kanye's collection as a serious artistic statement, and even the charitable do-gooders spending hundreds of dollars on these ridiculous clothes.
At the end of all this, we should award Kanye with a big "Fashion Champion" trophy. Kids love trophies. I feel like it would really help boost Kanye's confidence.
Of course, Kanye isn't really a fashion designer. If a cheesy straight-to-DVD movie about post-apocalyptic butlers could physically throw up, Kanye's clothing like would look like the vomit. I mean, do you recognize the sick irony in that the cost of one Kanye sweater could feed thousands of prisoners from a 1960s Russian Gulag... when that's basically what prisoners from a 1960s Russian Gulag wore?
Nevertheless, we want Kanye to be happy. So we're all playing along, getting him to think this is real. And it feels good.
Now, are you still in an altruistic mood? Because Kanye's special make-a-wish doesn't end with his fashion designer fantasy. Recently, Kanye made the news when he announced his plan to run for President in 2020.
Of course, Kanye can't really run for President in 2020. Nobody can. Unless you're an absolute idiot, you know that in just a few short years, America will be an oppressive dictatorship run by our Supreme Overlord, Kylie Jenner.
Nevertheless, we can all still pitch in to make Kanye think he's a serious candidate for President. We can proudly display our "Feel the Kanye Bern" pins and wear "Kanye Will Make America Great Again" hats and cheer wildly for his childlike ideas.
Do you remember the fable of The Emperor's New Clothes? In the story, the Emperor is very powerful, but he's also very vain. And these two con artists prey on this vanity. They tell the Emperor they've designed these new amazing clothes- but only if you're very intelligent and only if you're very wise can you see them. In reality, the con artists are holding nothing. The clothes don't exist. But the Emperor doesn't want to appear foolish. So he says, "Yes. I see them. And I'm going to wear them in the parade." At the end of the story, the Emperor is walking in the parade... and he's naked. The townspeople are confused; they know he's not wearing any clothes. But they're too uncomfortable to say anything. So they remain silent and allow this folly to continue.
Meanwhile, even if the Emperor was aware of his stark nudity, I bet he'd still feel less embarrassed than if he had to walk down a runway wearing Kanye West's hideous designs.
But Americans, being the well-meaning souls that we are, don't want to wait for 2020. No, we're already bringing to life a child's dream of starring in his own Presidential campaign. Several children, actually.
One day, when they're much, much older, we'll sit Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders down and explain the absurdity of their political positions. But for now, they're far too youthful and inexperienced to understand the harsh realities of how the political process works. And isn't it nice how millions of compassionate Americans are taking time from their busy schedules to partake in the Trump/Sanders "I-Want-To-Be-President" wish-fulfillment project.
Free college tuition? Applause! Making Mexico pay for a giant wall all across the border? Big cheers! Socialism! Keeping certain religions out of the country! Hooray! Here's a trophy! Those are super special ideas and you're super special for thinking of them. Oh, and when you're President of the United States, we're going to make you a magical suit with flying wings that taste like candy. Now, the adults won't be able to see your magic suit, and they'll argue that these ideas- which are legally and financially implausible- will be laughed out of Congress and then quickly forgotten about, but that's only because grown-ups are no fun. Don't let a bunch of lame old people stifle your creativity. Keep clapping and cheering and drowning out the sounds of basic political logic. Oh, and snack time is in eight minutes. Who wants string cheese!?
Some people are unhappy with Barack Obama's Presidency. They didn't like that President Obama turned out to be- in holding the most important politician job in the world- a politician. They were hoping for a revolutionary. Unfortunately, revolutions never start at the top. That's not a President's job. Rather, when an informed public demands a new way of doing things, change flourishes, followed by legislation and enforcement. It's how things get done. It's not as exciting as Batman and Robin, but it's effective. Sanders and Trump and Ted Cruz sound great at the podium. They're angry and battle-ready and they're on our side in the fight against the Joker and the Penguin and establishment politics. But this political posturing is about as revolutionary as a new Ben & Jerry's flavor of ice cream.
President Obama accomplished his rather realistic goals- strengthening the economy, expanding access to health care, etc. - without anger, using calculated, boring, non-revolutionary methods, within the confines of a divided government and an impossible-to-please electorate. But the days of President Obama are long gone. It is 2016 now. It's time to get back to feeling good about ourselves.
Wait. I mean, we are just pretending to feel the Bern and to make America great again, right? We're all just playing along in order to make these kids believe they can transform society by spouting shallow political platitudes, right? Because we know that's not how the game really works. And, in fact, the Oval Office itself plays just a small part in the ups-and-downs of a typical American's daily routine. Okay. Good. For a second, I thought you were serious.
I think I'm going to support Kanye's 2020 Presidential run. Hey, why not? It's cute. Yeah, Kanye has been a bit misogynistic towards Taylor Swift recently. But, you know, politics can get a little rough.
Meanwhile, pat yourselves on the back for pitching in to make these 2016 campaigns seem so realistic. Heck, even the campaign buses really work. You can honk the horn and everything! And when you see the beautiful smile on Bernie's face and you hear Donald's carefree laughter and you receive one of those magical Ted Cruz hugs, that's when you know it was all worth it. Revolution! Everything is a revolution! So adorable.
But after we finish this up, and these silly political ideas fade from the public's memory- and they will- let's get back to the real world.
Political moderation is the "vegetables" of the kid's menu. Yes, I know that carrots aren't as much fun as a Happy Meal. But recent history has proven that in our modern, divisive political climate, moving towards the center is the only way to get anything done.
And it's still not too late to help make Kanye's dreams of fashion design come true. Let's give him a chance to feel special. My suggestion? Buy the $2,500 oversized Kanye parka. It's for a good cause. And, heck, you can wear it around the house.