Keeping Up With Kellyanne

Dear Kellyanne:

Girl, I'm jealous.


Do you know how many writers strive for decades to hit it out of the park the way you did the other day? I, myself, amateur wordsmith that I am, have spent my lifetime trying to come up with just a single adage, one magnificent motto that would forever brand me as the kind of marketing genius you have turned out to be.

Please. Only two days into the job of presidential adviser and you hit a grand slam? "Alternative facts" is a masterpiece of disinformation. You are the Hitler of Hype, the Goebbels of Gobbledygook, the Mussolini of Malarkey... (see I can't do it as well as you, but I try).

How (I ask you how) did you manage, in such a short time to conceive, construct and coin an axiom that is as concise as it is terrifying, as pithy as it is preposterous, as entertaining as it is chilling?

This (I tell you this) was genius -- pure, simple, understated, yet commanding, genius. How many people can simultaneously capture unanimous acclaim for ingenuity and the collective abhorrence of an entire country with just two simple words? Let me savor them again.... alternative.... facts.... I still can't wrap my head around the evil brilliance of it all. What an achievement. I stand in quivering awe. George Orwell could have saved himself a lot of time slaving away at a desk had he possessed a mere fraction of your terse gift for upscale gibberish and linguistic terror.

Strokes of pure genius are sometimes serendipitous, I suppose. Perhaps you were trying to go for a more common phrase such as "alternative version" and, in your haste for falsification, you needed to bolster the word "version" so as to ensure maximum misinformation. That is when lying lightning struck and you pulled off a tour de force model of 100% pure propagandist poetry.

Instant. Classic.

I've been aspiring to your level of divine drivel ever since "Alternative Facts" slid so trippingly off your tongue like cloying ooze from an infected boil. But can any of them hold a candle to your ferocious fraudulence?

Replacement Rubbish
Substitute Sewage
Makeshift Malarkey
Backup Baloney
Pinch-Hitting Poppycock

See? They just don't have that je-ne-sais-quoi of rhetorical repugnance that you manage to achieve.

One of these days, perhaps I, too, will ram a humble adjective into an unpretentious noun and claim my place in shameless catch phrase history. But girl, you've sure set the bar pretty darned high.

Delegated Dreck?
Convenient Crap?
Stopgap Slop?

Oh, well, I can dream, can't I?

LORI FRYD The Reluctant Revolutionary