Keeping Up With the Gossip

This blog has failed to engage millennials. Retweets, organic pages views and out-of-network page likes are abysmal among this the coveted group. Starting today, I jettison humor and address the only subject that resonates with the 18-34 demographic--gossip about the Kardashians:

  • Splitsville for Kylie Jenner and Athletic Superstar: Ending her affair with American Pharoah, the superstar Triple Crown winner, a tearful Kylie revealed, "He never cared about my feelings. Everything was about him. And his table manners were repulsive."

  • Kim Kardashian would accept GOP VEEP nod. "It would create a perfectly balanced ticket," she says. "A publicity addicted, ignorant, narcissistic, egomaniacal, unqualified blowhard paired with a female publicity addicted, ignorant, narcissistic, egomaniacal, unqualified blowhard
  • Khloé threatens lawsuit against Noble Peace prizewinner Malala Yousafzai. "I was Malala before Malala was Malala. It was my idea first."
  • Trendsetter Kendall Jenner sets fourteen trends in twenty-three minutes. Enters Guinness Book of Records by breaking Jennifer Lopez's record of eleven trends in a half-hour.
  • Candidates disappoint Kourtney. After a brief stop on the campaign trail, Kourtney tweeted, "Little Marco and Small Hands Donald are no American Pharoah."
  • Best part of my new life? Hitting from the women's tees says Caitlin Jenner
  • Kim Kardashian releases her new line of gluten free payday loans. "These loans are captivating, musky, feminine and sensual." she proclaims. "They make you feel sexy and glamorous."
  • Kourtney Kardashian ends endorsement discussions with ISIS. "We were too far apart," her agent says. Kourtney to begins talks with the al-Nusra Front and the Army of Army of Mujahideen. She is asking $20,000 per tweet.
  • Rob Kardashian and fiancée Blac Chyna to auction print, digital and video rights to future divorce. Also accepting bids for rights for child custody litigation.
  • Kylie Jenner not yet feuding with Dali Lama. "I'll wait until I meet him," she explains.