Keeping Up With... Well...

I swear I try to keep up.

I’m not a technological Einstein, but I am on the world wide web.

Turns out this dazzlingly charismatic w-w-w thing is still a brilliant mystery to me. As a matter of fact, a colossally spectacular conundrum.

Yet, I try to keep up.

I do have a facebook account. One or two, ok - maybe three facebook pages. And a group. I have a twitter account. Email address. A blog.

And I’ve been writing for online magazines for almost two years.

A few lifetimes ago, back in 2005, a friend of mine taught me how to use HTML. And I actually learned.

I guess I keep up.

I keep up. I keep up. I keep up a little bit more.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m fascinated with technology. I’m just clueless about it.

I like computers. In fact I love computers! Computers do everything for you! Take Photoshop, for example.

Technology is delightful. Technology does wonders for you. For all of us.

Although I have to admit that I’m a typewriter kind of human. Maybe this is why my love for pen and paper is so out of control. It’s so deep that it's practically awkward.

For a technological mind, I mean. Not to me.

I love pen and paper. I love pen and paper so much that in the bad days, I cuddle with my notebooks.

I think I might actually have a problem with pen and paper. They’re my secret addiction. We have a thing, papers and I.

You know why? I’ll tell you why: Pen and paper never disappoint. They never go off. Pen and paper’s connection is always up.

You don’t hear anyone saying: “oh, my notebook connection is down.” Do you?

There’s unconditional love between pen and paper. Or pencil and paper. Paper is always involved. That’s what matters. To me at least.

Even when you run out of ink, you can always get another pen. It’s cheap. It’s there. If you run out of paper, there’s plenty more on the shelf. Or your printer. Or Staples. Which probably wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for technology in the first place – now that I come to think of it.

Anyway, the thing is, pen and paper, they’re always there. They’re always there for you. Pen and paper are your friends. Your. Best. Friends.

I never heard of having to restart your pen.

Have you ever had to reset your multipurpose paper ream?

Electronics fascinate me though.

For example, I recently discovered Instagram. While everybody was already on Instagram for four hundred years, I just discovered it.

But I keep up. I mean. Yeah.

It’s not that I don’t like technology. I love technology! I just have a thing with electronic devices.

Maybe it’s karma.

For example, smartphones. It must be an allergy of some sort. Or maybe it’s sort of a mix of fascination and refusal of progress. You know, like those relationships. It’s like: I love you, but I am not in love with you. Or like those middle school crushes: I know your name, I know you’re there, but I don’t want to get near you because you may know my name and then I’m doomed.

That’s smartphones and I.

I have an Ipod, though. But just because my husband gave it to me.

Last month I was immensely touched by my husband’s motivational words.

“You might as well not have a phone at all!”

I immediately remembered this joke about a monkey who saw a fish in the water and took him out, believing he was saving him. Guess what happened to the fish? Everybody is trying to rescue me. With a smartphone!

Everybody is so worried about how I’m going to live my life without a smartphone. It’s like when you become a mom and decide to stay at home and everybody keeps asking:

“Ooooohhhhhh, what are you going to do with your life now?”

Hum… Be a mom, I guess. And have a career. Right? You can have it all, you know? Even if you don’t have a smartphone!

I understand how frustrating it can be. I really do. In a technological world, how can someone – that someone being me – refuse to have a smartphone? How can someone prefer an old batteryless phone over a new shinny smartphone?

The answer is buttons. Buttons. Smartphones have no button keyboards. And I need my buttons to carry on with my daily life.

Two weeks ago, my husband asked me, in a conformed tone:

“I know you don’t want to leave your phone, but you do need a phone. Why don’t you use the phone my mom gave you? Yours is always dead, anyways.”

It’s true: my mother in law gave me her old smartphone. Because now she has a new smartphone. Although she prefers button keyboards.

“Oh, You’re right. You’re right.” I said.

Maybe I will. Eventually.

But then suddenly the day I decide to come to terms with the fact that I’d have to use this new buttonless smartphone, a spectacular thing happened.

Karma happened. Probably karma.

Again.

I ran to my husband and howled:

“My card doesn’t fit!”

And he said:

“Oh yeah, it probably does need a new card.”

That did it.

How can I let go of my old card? It’s been with me for eighteen years. Eighteen years!

It’s old. I know. It’s grimy. But I love my old card. And I love my old-discontinued- coatless-silver-always-off battery-one-hundred-and-twenty-six-gram-N70.

It’s the third one I’ve had in the last nine years! Never got another!

So I decided to go for the super mature decision.

I’m sticking with my batteryless old phone. It’s not like my phone is ringing all the time. It barely ever beeps! So, against all forces, I’m sticking with my N70.

I can always get a new battery. On the wonderful conundrumic w-w-w. Right?

You can’t say that I didn’t try, though. I tried. I tried to keep up. It was the phone that didn’t keep up with me!

Maybe it’s just an impossible relationship. Electronics and I.

Or maybe it’s really just karma. I don’t know.

It’s definitely still a big mystery to me.

I guess I might as well keep this relationship as platonic as possible.

Maybe I'm just in technological denial. That might be one option. Denial can be your friend sometimes. Or maybe I'm actually just a technological flop. I don't know.

Oh… I need a break.

But I have to keep up. In fact, I guess I’m a pretty well kept up human being. For someone who isn’t much technological. Wouldn’t you say?

Unfortunately, there are some even more bad news.

My last electric hope started to fade out just last week.

I took into some serious consideration adding this new thing. New for me, apparently.

There's this thing called Snapchat which keeps showing up in front of me. It’s everywhere. And it’s driving me insane! I may not be very technological, but I need to make sense out of things. And I want to understand Snapchat.

I’m also one of those people that believe that everything happens for a reason.

So, I have it for myself that I should add it to my social media handles. And this has been growing on my non-technological brain ever since. It’s going to be good for me. Or not. But I want to keep up.

Of course, again, I am marvelously clueless about this.

So I was wondering if you, you awesomely brilliant technological minds, can help this analogic mortal with some insights on this apparently highly serious social matter?

You can email me. No snail mail, please.

No! Do snail mail me. I love paper. Have I told you that?

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