Turns Out Your Milkshake Is Better Than Kelis’ Because She Never Made One

La la la la la.

The very bedrock of our great nation was built on a single truth: milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard. Oh, were you thinking it was something about liberty or justice? Try again. 

But in a Trojan Horse-like twist, the author of the age old adage, R&B singer Kelis, who used the sweet promise of male attention and chocolatey goodness to reach No. 3 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart, sits on a BED OF LIES. 

In a recent interview with The Guardian about her new cookbook, which inexplicably does not include a milkshake recipe, Kelis admitted to never actually making a milkshake during her 36 years on planet earth. 

"I don’t think I’ve ever made a milkshake," Kelis, who graduated from Le Cordon Bleu culinary school, told The Guardian. "I made a smoothie the other day that was really good – protein powder, spinach, orange, and crushed ice with a little bit of honey and coconut water. I’ll make you a Kelis smoothie next time you come over."

My protein powder smoothies bring all the boys to the yard does NOT, we repeat does NOT, have the same ring to it, Kelis. So you're telling us, all that time we spent seductively ordering milkshakes and unhygienically gyrating on a diner counters in our teenage years was all for naught? 

A major refund/possible Constitutional amendment is in order. 



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