Ken Jennings knows the highs and lows of parenting.
The “Jeopardy!” champion and his wife, Mindy, have a son, Dylan, and a daughter, Caitlin. Over the years, Jennings has frequently tweeted about his experience as a dad, from lice struggles to the joys of annoying his kids.
In honor of his birthday, here are 25 funny parenting tweets from Jennings.
The shortest unit of time measurable to science is the interval between a kid seeing a pop-up book and the kid breaking the pop-up book— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 31, 2019
My kids would last about three seconds in the A Quiet Place world.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 1, 2018
Let's see how many times I can say "Wow, you guys had a field day with that!" while my son tells me about his middle school field day.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 24, 2016
Our family crest is a child's jacket on the floor right next to a row of hooks.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 15, 2014
I thought today was going to be dull but then I got a mass e-mail from my daughter's 4th grade teacher with the subject line "LICE?"— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) September 19, 2016
I will never forgive COVID for getting my kids playing Fortnite again.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 29, 2020
My greatest failure as a parent is that neither of my kids likes cold pizza.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 18, 2018
HOBBIES— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 6, 2019
in my 20s: hiking, painting
in my 30s: board games, travel
in my 40s: singing the wrong numbers in the lyrics to "Seasons of Love" from Rent to infuriate my daughter
If I had a time machine, I would go back 2 hrs to when my son poked himself in the eye dabbing, and make sure I was taking video this time— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 9, 2017
My wife & daughter are playing hangman and my wife just started putting facial features on the guy. This is NOT OK, facial features are the bowling bumpers of hangman.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) January 16, 2018
If you want to see white 4th graders doing raps from Hamilton, get down to my daughter's elementary school talent show ASAP— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 11, 2017
DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) November 17, 2015
"Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?"
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
That conversation with my daughter would have been less confusing if I'd realized sooner that by "round numbers" she meant like "3" and "8"— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 16, 2015
It's the weekend, time for my kids to get together with their friends and talk (I assume) about what a cool dad I am.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 2, 2018
I want to make a Boyhood-like movie about my son but it's just 18 years of him putting empty containers back in the f***ing fridge.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 16, 2014
TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 7, 2014
7yo: I have an empty snail shell collection.
Me: How many do you have?
7yo: I said it was empty.
My big dad move is kneading my kids’ shoulders weirdly and saying “you’re my #1 guy!” like Jack Palance in Batman.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 31, 2018
When my son was 7, he tried to name his Webkinz turtle "Shelley" and the site wouldn't allow the name because it has "hell" in it. He is a criminal now.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) October 1, 2019
"That's not going to work..." —my daughter, quietly to herself over and over while watching a Coyote/Road Runner cartoon right now— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 17, 2015
My daughter is watching MINIONS on Netflix with subtitles on. If you guys were wondering it mostly just says "[Minionese]" a lot.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 26, 2016
This year the theme of our Christmas tree is: ornaments the kids haven’t broken yet.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) December 3, 2019
I'm a fan of my kids, especially their early, funny work.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) January 4, 2020
Trying a new bit where I call my childhood friends my "chums" when I tell stories about them. So far it's going great, my kids are annoyed as hell.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 16, 2020