Killing Me Softly With His Snoring: Love Songs for Long-Married Couples

Co-authored by Janet Golden

When the two of you are driving to the chiropractor, to the pharmacy or to attend your grandson's kindergarten play to enjoy his fleeting appearance as Snow Flake Number Seven, the songs you first fell in love to might still be on the radio, but no longer seem relevant. Here, instead, are a few Love Songs For Long-Married Couples:

"Every Little Thing She Does Is Menopausal"

"I Got You and Erectile Dysfunction, Babe"

"My Heart Will Go On, Now That I've Got This Pacemaker"

"Baby I Love Your Hot Flashes"

"Total Eclipse of The Hip"

"I Will Always Love You, Even When You Steal The Blankets"

"Maybe I'm Amazed That I Still Remember Your Name"

"Time after Time You Remove Your Dentures"

"Killing Me Softly With His Snoring"

"All You Need Is Bran"

"When a Man Loves a Woman (He Invests Wisely In a 401(k))"

"Love Me Tender I've Got Brittle Bones"

"It's only Love (That Keeps Me From Throwing Out That Old Barcalounger)"

"I Want You To Want Me... to Buy a New Prius"

"Wonderful Tonight. And Tomorrow Night. (See? Leftovers Aren't That Bad.)"

"First Time Ever I Saw Your Face Was in 1968"

"How Deep Is your Love Because I Can't Reach That Top Shelf"

"Love To Love You Baby But Not After 9:30"

"Heartbreak Hotel Has Better Rates With a Senior Discount"

"You Are the Sunshine of My Life and I'm Using SPF 30"

"You're the one That I Want to Go Down and Make the Coffee"

"Love Will Keep Us Together Because It Sure Isn't Your Cooking"

"I Will Survive Your Cooking"

"Fly Me to the Moon So I Can Avoid Your Cooking"

"Feels So Right To Get Chinese Take Out"

"Three Times a Lady Called About That Insurance Policy"

Let's Get It On Before The Early Bird Special Ends

(This piece first appeared on