One day after a National Intelligence Estimate revealed that Iran halted its nuclear arms program in 2003, North Korean president Kim Jong-Il ejected Iran from the Axis of Evil, calling them "not evil enough."
A visibly furious Kim called a press conference in Pyongyang today to excoriate the Iranians as "evildoer wannabes" and "pussies."
"I can't tell you how many times Mahmoud Ahmadinejad looked me t in the eye, told me he was developing nuclear weapons, and cackled like a madman," Kim said. "That man does not deserve to cackle."
Kim added that when Iran was admitted into the Axis of Evil in 2002, "they knew the rules: no nukes, no membership."
The National Intelligence Estimate, Kim said, showed that Iran was not holding up their end of the bargain: "They said they were enriching uranium and all the while they were going all Libya on my ass."
In the first step towards formally removing Iran from the evil organization, the North Korean strongman said he was "un-inviting" Mr. Ahmadinejad from the Axis of Evil's winter golf outing in Scottsdale Arizona.
In a terse statement from Mr. Ahmadinejad, the Iranian president said he would agree not to attend the outing but wanted his deposit back.
As for who would take Iran's place in the Axis of Evil, Kim said there was no shortage of candidates: "Right now we're looking at Venezuela, Syria, and Rupert Murdoch."
Elsewhere, natural honey is a more effective remedy for children's coughs than over-the-counter medicines, according to a study commissioned by the National Association of Bees.
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He hosts an all-new edition of "Next Week's News" starring Amy Sedaris. John Oliver (The Daily Show) and Christian Finnegan (VH1's Best Week Ever) at Comix on Thursday January 17 at 8 PM. Comix is located at 353 West 14th Street, just east of Ninth Avenue. For tickets, call 212-524-2500 or go to comixny.com. For a $5 discount, use the promotional code ANDY.
