Dear Leader Kim Jong-un opened the first Workers' Party congress in North Korea in 36 years with the bold declaration that he "will make Korea great again!"
"Unprecedented results will be accomplished," he proclaimed. "Everything I promise is incredible!" He pledged that, under his leadership, "North Korea will win, win, win! We'll win so much that the Korean people will get tired of winning. Believe me, it will be totally unbelievable!"
"I don't like losers," he added with what one journalist described as a smirk. (The journalist has not been seen since.) "I like people who weren't captured!" When a party member stood up during the Dear Leader's speech, Mr. Kim paused and shouted: "Knock the crap out of him, would you! I'd like to punch him in the face!" Military police immediately rushed up to the standing man, shot him in the head, and dragged his limp, bleeding body from the assembly hall. Dear Leader and the entire assembly burst into applause.
"By the way," Mr. Kim reminded the delegates, "I'm really smart--and I'm really rich. I know a lot of words, too!"
North Korea's Dear Leader has previously said of South Koreans: "They're bringing drugs; they're bringing crime" into the North. "They're rapists--and pregnant South Korean women try to cross the border and give birth to anchor babies so they can enjoy all the incredible--I mean, literally incredible--benefits and luxuries of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea." Mr. Kim promised to build "the biggest wall the world has ever seen--it will be YUUGE!--to keep the people from the south out of North Korea. He yelled to the assembly, "And who's going to pay for the wall?" Every person present shouted in unison: "South Korea!" "We will have a Deportation Force to get rid of them all!"
Noting that the Party Congress was beginning on May 5th, Mr. Kim tweeted: "Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls are made in Pyongyang! I love Hispanics!"
Dear Leader focused much of his attention in his address on nuclear weapons. He made it clear that he really likes them and that he will continue to use them to threaten other nations. "I would never take any of my cards off the table," he declared. "We must always be unpredictable in our dealings with other nations." He stated his policy towards the United States succinctly: "Bomb the shit out of them!"
Dear Leader then mocked a reporter who has a disability. After shaking in a spastic manner for several moments, Mr. Kim proclaimed: "There's no place for creatures like that in our beautiful country--but I do enjoy laughing at them!" All delegates in the hall broke into uproarious laughter. When it subsided, he said, "But, of course, for the good of the nation, we must exterminate all these defective so-called humans." Thunderous applause from the delegates erupted, followed by shouts of "Kill them all!"
Insisting that his leadership is the greatest in the world, Mr. Kim testified, "Everybody loves me! Oh, the blacks, they love me! I ate a big slice of watermelon during black history month--oh, the blacks, they just love me!"
"I love the women!" Dear Leader shouted. "It's true that many of them are fat pigs, slobs, bimbos ... and, by the way, I absolutely don't like them when they have blood coming out of their--wherever. Like that goofus bitch Park Geun-hye in the American-occupied south. But, trust me: I love the women. Hell, I married three of them! And, by the way, the number of women I've committed adultery with! I haven't kept count, but--trust me--it's totally incredible!"
"My hands, by the way, are very big--and another part of me has no problem, I guarantee you. It's YUUGE. I guarantee. Women like that, you know! I'd rather win with women."
"As you all know, I am a strong believer in torture--and not just this wimpy waterboarding stuff--I'd go stronger, have a real manly kind of torture--the kind you don't come out of alive!" [Wild cheering from the Congress delegates.]
Turning to the economy, Mr. Kim simply proclaimed: "I will bring back all the jobs that have been lost to China--every single one of them!. Trust me!" When a woman near the back of the hall said in a low voice, "How?" military police immediately grabbed her and hauled her out of the building. It appeared that one of them was holding a knife to her throat. Not seeming to notice that little incident, Mr. Kim continued: "I know how much people love to work in coal mines, and, believe me, all the miners will soon be back in the environment that they love so much!"
The Jung-un, as he is affectionately known by his loving people (Mr. Kim enjoys a 100 percent approval rating in North Korea) also declared "a total and complete ban on Mongolians entering North Korea until we can find out what the hell is going on."
Dear Leader concluded his lengthy address by assuring the party: "Everything I say I'm going to do, I do! And, remember this, above all else: I am totally incredible. I'm absolutely unbelievable! Trust me!!"
{Robert S. McElvaine teaches history at Millsaps College. He is the author of ten nonfiction books and has just completed a draft of a novel, "What It Feels Like..."}