Have you heard the news yet? I am absolutely brimming with excitement for Kanye West and Kim Kardashian and their new little "Kash Kow" (thanks to some random Kanye Twitter follower for that bit of brilliance). That's right! Kimye is going to have a Bay-Bay. Imagine my delight when I awoke this morning and the first piece of news I heard was that Kim was going to get a gut to match her ass.
Where do I even begin with this hallowed event? First, let me congratulate Kim on landing a baby daddy that can at least afford to keep her baby in fur onesies and solid gold binkies and all before she's even legally divorced from her husband, Kris Humphries! (BTW am I the only one who thinks Kris looks like his mouth is always hanging open and looks like he's going to say, "Hey, babe... oh, never mind, I forgot.") Anyway, Kim's mother, Kris Jenner, must be so proud of her not-yet-divorced daughter getting knocked up by a wealthy rap star who hasn't made any indication he has plans to marry her.
Oh wait, of course she is. This is a girl whose whole family's claim to fame is that she made a sex tape that was caught up in some sort of brouhaha when it was leaked (probably by a family member) and then she had to go to court where she was awarded $5 million.
Of course Kris Jenner is thrilled. She is like Kim's pimp. She probably brokered the deal with Kanye herself. She probably told him she can get E! to televise the birth (sponsored by Shape Ups, of course) and they can split the money and now he can be part of the official Kardashian holiday card.
It was time to branch out the Kardashian line. Literally, this morning on the news, one of the reporters said something like, "I"m not sure what they have planned, but this is a great branding and marketing opportunity." The possibilities are endless. After whipping up some revolting -- I mean chic -- maternity clothes, they can sell ad space on the baby bump to the highest bidder. Then after televising the birth of the baby, there's always the chance for a spinoff reality show where we can watch Kim take the baby to Mommy & Me classes in six-inch stilettos and interview nannies all while she hawks some weight loss company. Plus, the products! Imagine! Kardashian Kribs, hair extensions for babies (how embarrassing to have a bald newborn) or inserts for diapers so babies can have the Kardashian booty.
I'm sure Mama Kris is already way ahead of me planning a baby line. Sure she's got other grandchildren she could have exploited, but those are Kourtney's kids. Ugh. Kourtney doesn't have the "kache" that Kim has. Kanye and Kim make "Kimye." There isn't a cute nickname you can make up for Kourtney and her baby daddy, Scott Disick. There aren't any "branding" or "marketing" opportunities for someone who looks like a whiny, spoiled Eurotrash douchebag!
I would just like to congratulate Kimye on successfully consummating their relationship and I would like to send a little message to their baby. (My guess is Kimye, Jr. will have an official Kardashian-endorsed Twitter account by noon where I can message him/her.) Dear Kimye, Jr., declare emancipation now or put yourself up for adoption. Do it now before your parents name you something stupid like Kornell.
Read more of Jen on her blog People I Want to Punch in the Throat.