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Kissing Frogs and the Conscious Breakup

07/15/2015 09:27pm ET | Updated July 15, 2016
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A piece of dating... everyone wants to avoid... The BREAKUP. It's part of why women "hate to date." It's painful, your dreams get shattered, and the path you thought you were on now looks unclear.

It is not pretty and no amount of cashew milk ice cream and Law and Order reruns can fix a broken heart. (Although from my perspective, it does not hurt.)

Here's what I would suggest in the near term:

Look intently inward... not outward at "him." What could YOU have done differently? How would you change YOUR behavior? Haul your fanny to a trusted therapist, pastor or rabbi... and get some loving feedback on how you can grow from the experience. Meditate, do yoga (a ton of it), pray for understanding, workout, and go see a movie. Be gentle with yourself and him.

Here's what not to do: Don't bash him -- ever, don't politic and characterize him a certain way. Don't explain a lot. You don't owe your tribe the deep details of the breakup and your true tribe will simply have your back and want what's best for you. Breakups can have a fuzzy quality to them, sometimes men fade out before they leave or they behave in a way that provokes you to end it. It takes a little time to sort all that out and get clear.

Take the high road, period, with your common friends. People have a lot of sides and the vulnerability of love can bring us to our emotional knees and expose our worst selves. Be compassionate and loving to the wounded in all of us. Say as little as possible to him and anyone you share.

Yes, I mean it.

As tempting as it is, please don't call him to say ugly things, don't text him nasty grams and witty barbs after a few glasses of wine. Believe it or not, it's there the next day and in the Cloud for him to read forever every time he thinks he misses you. I was married to a brilliant, funny writer and stand up comedian, Steve Gelder. He has the funniest line about using the phone under the influence that applies here. "The phone is a viper!" Great metaphor and nothing bad will come from your silence.

I would also suggest taking a social media break for at least a month. I've done it and it's actually more difficult than I imagined which makes me clear, I should do it from time to time. In my case, I try to make a conscious effort to fill that time with positive, uplifting things. Your goal is to intentionally write over the habit of checking his page, remembering and obsessing. All that does is prolong your suffering and bring up new things to be hurt about.

Why this path through a breakup? Well it's good karma for one... but it's also going to make you feel better in the long run and help you heal your heart much faster. Believe it or not, how you end this relationship sets the stage for the next one. Grieve, take care of yourself and remove any trace of bitterness so that your heart is free for the person you are meant for.

JGD Judy