Knit One, Vulva Two: Vaginal Knitting

Knit one, vulva two. Or is it knit one, purl two? I'm definitely late coming to this party but better late than never.

I thought that after the Vaginal Yogurt scandal and my crack reporting on Vaginal Weightlifting that the hoo hoo was out of wondrous activities. I was wrong. Again. I give you Vaginal Knitting.

When I was first made aware of this bizarre craft, I thought wow, can this woman's vagina actually knit? Could she spin yarn with her vulva, or make slip knots with her clitoris? Now that would deserve a standing O (not that O) and I would be apt to write more favorably of such a Christmas miracle. Perhaps I'd even try it myself. It's winter after all and I could use a new pair of mittens.

But alas this was not the case. In 2013, feminist artist, Casey Jenkins, performed a piece called, "Casting Off My Womb." She literally inserted a cream colored skein of wool into her hoo hoo, pulled out the thread from the middle, sat on a table with her legs demurely spread apart in an art gallery, and for the next 28 days used the vaginal yarn to knit a sweater, or scarf (I don't know does it matter?).

The number of days is relevant, because she continued to backstitch and weave all through her menses, which was, as she reported, a lot harder to knit because the wool was wet. And let's not forget the color pattern also changed, and yet she persevered.

What the f' is going on outside of my front door? This is why I don't leave the house.

Ms. Jenkins wanted her performance to address taboos surrounding the female genitalia, dispelling fear and negative associations. Who are these frightened people raising their voices against the scary vulva? And is shoving a skein of wool inside her vagina and knitting a hat, or baby booties calming or dispelling anything?

She thought her demonstration was natural. No, Casey, it's not. If it were, then there would be a whole lot more of us ladies crafting caftans with our cooters in public spaces, or while watching reality TV with out families.

She commented on how sometimes she would get aroused by the wool. Well, yeah, cuz you have something all up inside of you, brushing up against your lady parts, tickling you.

I have to admit that there's something to be said for having a product at the end of her of little stunt. I'm all for making things and you can't claim the same when one uses an adult toy or the male appendage.

There are other female artists who have tested the limits of the public's uneasiness with the naked female form and I'd write about those too if only I could stop laughing. Again, I fail to see how any of this is going to make someone more comfortable. In fact, I think it might have the opposite affect.

Casey used her vagina as a mailbox, or container, (as it often is) so how would those afraid of the powerful vulva be any less scared or unnerved? To me the video is tame and innocuous. I was far more impressed with some of the women in the Hangover movies, and those who can smoke with their hoo hoos. Come on Casey, at least show us the inner workings of your box.

I'm all for expressing oneself; I too live a creative life, but this seemed forced. On the other hand what do I know? Maybe she had the right idea as evidenced by the publicity she received.

Tomorrow I'm going to buy a violin at a pawn shop, go down into the subway, insert it into my hoo, and play my sweet sweet Vaginal Music. And when Baretta comes to take me away, I'm going to tell him that it's only performance art (and a vagina) and that he shouldn't be afraid because neither will hurt him.