It’s amazing, your draw on me. I feel the pull of it from miles away, the slow tugging of my heart, then the jerking of my soul. You know the power you have on me. You use it to your advantage, pulling on me when you know I’m most vulnerable.
My desire for you never goes away. It is always on edge, just waiting for the time that I know you will come and whisk me up, leaving my emotions stunted, my breath catching in my chest. I can’t resist your tempting beckoning.
I fight against you with every moral that I have, hoping to create a blockade between my longing and your cruelty. My strength waxes and wanes between a love and hatred of your being, only to collapse in a heap of complacency.
Your pulse never goes away. It strengthens in my weakness, throbbing in my temple and courses through my veins. Your grip tightens on me as I attempt to pull away. My spirit resides in your hangman’s noose, teetering on the brink of life and death, leaving me barely breathing either way.
I know you are my weakness. I know I allow you to do all of these things to me. Every part of me knows how toxic you are to me. Yet I remain always waiting, desiring you, holding my breath until your next visit. It’s so difficult to live with the thought of you brushing me aside and not giving me the attention I so crave.
And when you do appear, I relish in the power you prove. I bask in the breaking of my spirit, the harm that you bring, always lying, always telling myself that I’m significant. I want nothing more than time to pause so I can enjoy the pain you put me through. I beg for you to douse me with your hatred, shower me with your venom, watch me cower in your presence.
My every day activities cease. My world comes to a halt. Your heavy hand suffocating the minuscule amount of strength I have. Your disappointment washes over me like a giant wave that never recedes. My lungs burn for a single breath, my heart crushes under your weight.
And you love all of this. You smirk as you see how pathetic I have become. You celebrate in seeing me suffer, glean your power from my weaknesses. Your looming shadow constantly surrounds me, knowing that you can kill me with a single move. You know you can bring me to the brink of decay, dangling me over the steep edge of my life, reveling in my pleas for a final blow, only to bring me back once again, barely alive, groveling for death. But you show no mercy or grace and you continue to hover close by, always waiting.
I cling to the knowledge that you will give me a bit of respite, though I never know how long, or short, of a time I have.
This knowledge is my only hope.