LOS ANGELES: Goodyear Satire Company--
The Los Angeles Dodgers are refusing to accept the legitimacy of their playoff loss to the Chicago Cubs.
"The whole series was rigged," said Dave Roberts, manager of the Dodgers, "It's a conspiracy to steal the world series from the Dodgers. Sad."
"I was just groping myself" the pitcher explained, "And they called it a base on balls."
It would be unprecedented for a sports team to deny they lost when the sports world saw them lose roug games out of six. Roberts explained, "My fans don't believe in your so-called "facts."
Dodger ace Clayton Kershaw got into trouble with the umpires early in the final game. "I was just groping myself" the pitcher explained, "You know, adjusting my equipment package. And the umpire called it a base on balls."
That led to the Dodger's final loss of the season. Nevertheless, the Dodgers manager persisted. "In Chicago, dead people have season tickets. Dead people. That's unamerican and I'm an expert in unamerican. Bigly."
"Nobody should use stolen information to try and win a game. In an election, sure, but baseball is important."
Joe Maddon, the Cubs manager, says it was the Dodgers who cheated by using stolen information about the Cubs' strategy throughout the series. "The Russians hacked our lineup cards, and Wikileaks put it out there night after night for the Dodgers to use," said Maddon, "There it was, on ESPN, Fox Sports West. Nobody should use stolen information to try and win a game. To win an election, sure, but not a playoff series. Baseball is important."
Hank Greenbaum, the sports reporter who broke the Wikileaks story, responded to the ethical charge, saying, "Our normal 'two source rule' to verify information doesn't apply here. When advertising dollars are concerned, a state sponsored criminal leak is just another source."
"Information wants to be free," Greenbaum says. In an unrelated development Greenbaum was laid off from his writing job today because mega-billion dollar companies like Google and Facebook share his articles on the Internet for free without paying royalties or giving the content creator a slice of the advertising dollars.
"I'm not Putin's puppet."
Despite all evidence to the contrary, the Dodgers denied Russian involvement in the hack. "I know Vladimir Putin, and he's a huge fan of baseball. Huge," said Roberts. At today's press conference, the Dodgers manager sat on Putin's lap as Putin calmly drank a glass of water. "See, I'm not Putin's puppet," said Roberts with a watery Russian accent.
"The dishonest media claims the Cubs won the pennant but I don't accept those results. "We will be back at Wrigley Field tomorrow, ready to play another game. I don't care if the Cubs don't show up. I never lose."
As the press conference ends, the Dodgers manager remains adamant. "How about you just say I won second place?" gurgled Roberts.
This article has been updated.
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