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Ladies, Calm Down...

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It is time to address a problem; our gender has a bad rep. Many 40+ divorced men in the dating world think that we, 40+ divorced women in the dating world are crazy, and they have the evidence to back it up. During my time dating online, every man I met had a crazy chick story. There appears to be an unruly hotbed of insanity brewing deep within a women's psyche that erupts when she meets a man who appears to have any long-term potential. Here are a few things that we, as a gender, can work on.

Women want to rush everything
Some women decide to stress out about what "this" is and where it is going...are we dating? Is this exclusive? Are his profiles down? Should I take mine down? How quickly should we say the "L" word? Why haven't you introduced me to your friends and family? Why haven't I met your children? Where are WE spending the holidays? Let's move in together, I've already called a realtor..." and the guy is sitting thinking "I've only known her two months, this chick is insane." Have the conversations you need to have to make sure you are on the same page and make it clear (words and actions) that you want to move forward. Then, give the relationship time to build and naturally unfold. Trust me, when a guy wants to move forward you will be the first to know.

"Let's change our relationship status on Facebook."
This really belongs in the "things we rush" category above, but deserves some special attention. Do you connect to, friend, follow, mention or post pictures of a significant other? Even though I am a social media consultant, and love my time online, I have adopted a simple theory, "the best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook." Now, if you decide as a couple to go public, be respectful of each other's comfort level. Don't criticize him for not posting enough pictures of you and tell him he has to profess his undying love in cyberspace. What happens between the two of you is much more important than what is broadcast across the internet.

Women drive men crazy with the question "what are you thinking?"
As many men have told me, usually they aren't really thinking much of anything. By way of example, when a guy is sitting eating his oatmeal, he is sitting there thinking "Hey, I'm eating oatmeal." Of course, a female will ask the question because she wants to hear "I am sitting here eating my oatmeal thinking I am the luckiest guy in the world because I have you." He's not thinking that. Stop asking.

Checking his cell phone, email, Facebook
If you feel any need to check your man's cell phone, email, Facebook messages or voice mail, you have a serious trust issue. It may be you can't trust in general or your gut is screaming you can't trust him. Snooping around isn't going to make it better. Look, let me make this very clear to you, you can check up on him all you want. The truth is that he could have another phone, email accounts and even an entire separate Facebook presence to communicate with other women. Your constant checking up on him is not going to stop him from cheating on you and will only make you look like a paranoid lunatic.

"You don't spend enough time with me."
Nothing is a bigger turn off to a guy than a "Stage Five Clinger," a woman who wants to spend every waking second together. An important part of building a strong healthy relationship is some independence with your own hobbies and friends. Give him space and take some for yourself. If he wants to spend time with you he will make the time no matter how busy he is. If he has a job, volunteers at church, coaches a youth sports team or plays golf once a week...he has a life! This is good- applaud this! If he is living his life and you have nothing to do....go get a life yourself! When you have your own life you just might be less crazy!

Marking your turf
When you spend the night and conveniently forget a necklace on a nightstand, razor in the shower, an article of clothing on the floor, you aren't fooling anyone. Guys know about this trick. If you do not feel welcome in your man's home or you are waiting for him to clear out a drawer, leaving your stuff at his place is not going to solve either one of those problems. If he hasn't given you space, he isn't ready, so give him time. And, even if you leave your stuff behind he can still cheat on you. This is not rocket science ladies.

Constant Communication
Some women believe that in order to have a great relationship they need to be in constant communication with their man. If talking and texting all day long works for you and your partner, ok. I'm not sure how you will get anything done, but ok. Guys have reported to me that they appreciate the "I'm thinking of you" text, but one every five minutes is a bit much. They also don't need to know everything you are doing, so skip the "I'm getting my nails done," "Nancy just said the funniest thing...," "What are you up to?" Constant communication does not a equal great relationship. Also remember, he can text you back "hey I'm detailing my car" when he is really sitting in a strip club getting a lap dance.

And, if he ends it walk away
Ladies, if he ends the relationship move on. He isn't the right guy for you. Do not send a hundred text messages asking him why. Do not repeatedly call, leave nasty voice mail messages, email, or involve his friends. Do not sit in front of his house, conveniently show up at his gym, or happen to park next to him at the grocery store. You lose all credibility; he labels you a stalker, and thinks "oh my gosh I made the right decision breaking up with her." Ending it peacefully is a better course of action because you never know what could happen.

Take a good hard look at how you are operating in your relationship. And be honest with yourself. If any of this sounds remotely familiar then look for my next post on how to temper the insanity....because....

"A real woman avoids drama; she knows her time is precious
and she's not wasting it on unimportant things." --unknown

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