I learned the pop culture term “number” from the young adults in my life. In today’s language, it refers to the amount of people we’ve had sex with. The mere fact that this is a thing within our youth, says a lot. People are always paying attention to how we conduct ourselves sexually.
Society has seemingly made promiscuity okay for men, but multiple partners takes on a completely differently meaning for women. Throughout the centuries, one might typically be called a whore or a slut if her number is too high suggesting she is giving away the “cookie” (thank you, Steve Harvey) too often and easily.
However, I see a high number in a completely different way. So, let’s take the words whore and slut out of this conversation because judgment will only interfere with this very important message.
Without even knowing you personally, I can bank on a few reasons why you continually give up the cookie too soon:
1. You believe sex will secure the relationship.
2. You believe a man’s sexual desire for you means he is interested.
3. You have no idea how truly valuable you are.
Most men are driven by a primal need to disperse his seed. It is built into his physiology to procreate. He is easily turned on visually and when touch is added, he’s quickly pushed to the point of no return. Most often he will do or say anything to get what his body is craving. Remember the Meatloaf song “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights”?
Considering these hard facts, it’s almost stupid how easy it is to get a man to have sex with you. (To be frank, it’s really no great accomplishment)
Then once in throes of tongues, thrusts and sweat, the cookie-giver tends to think: Look how much he wants me. I’m special and different than all the other women. He won’t be able to live without me!
Until he loses interest and stops calling. Ouch.
Why? Because to a man sex is never about securing a relationship. Period.
There’s a sad truth afoot here, ladies. Men can pretty much get their rocks off with anyone – even with himself. You are not special and you are not different than any orgasm before you.
At least not yet…
When we have sex with a prospective partner too soon, we mistake his sexual desire for love and affection. Sure, he may think you are cute and funny, but he hasn’t even gotten to know you. All that happened was you provided an outlet for his innate primal desire.
Even if he does stick around for a bit, he hasn’t connected to your personality, your values or your soul. He wasn’t given the time. The only thing that’s been established is you are willing to screw. Is that really what you want your worth to be judged by?
I didn’t think so… Please read on.
The point when a man truly connects with and commits to a woman does not come from sex. It arises organically when the woman keeps a steady pace of abstinence until the man has “earned the right” to be with her.
I’m not making this up. Any emotionally healthy, self-aware man will tell you this.
Emotionally healthy men are highly attracted to and stay with women who are confident, know their worth and formulate healthy boundaries for him to honor and respect.
Unless or until you start treating yourself as valuable, your number will continue to increase without the payoff of a lifetime partner you so desperately crave.
Let’s break this down into 3 Simple Truths:
Simple Truth #1:
Your vagina is not your worth.
If you could readily adopt that idea, I’d stop writing right now. But chances are you don’t yet fully understand.
Stop listening to the BS society and the media throws at you. Your trendy hair, sexy clothes, perfect eyebrows, glittery toenails and fancy Cirque de Solei sex positions are not what secures an emotionally healthy man. He may enjoy those things, but they will not ensure a lifetime commitment.
Sure, there are superficial dudes out there who only care about how you look on his arm, but all you will ever be is a thing to make him feel better about who he is.
Not really what you’re looking for is it?
Simple Truth #2:
A man wants a woman who is authentic, open-hearted and acts in alignment with her own worth.
After years of poor choices and behaviors stemming from my own unworthiness, I learned a man is truly looking for a woman to feel safe with. Yep, you heard me! He craves safety and intimacy just like you do.
A woman tossing out the cookie left and right does not yield “safety” I assure you.
A safe woman is one who understands her value and is willing to act in accordance with her worth thus becoming a shining beacon amidst a tumultuous hurricane of cookies flying everywhere.
When a man feels authentic truth, self-worth and integrity within a woman, he will do what it takes to secure her to him. This is the point she becomes special and different. And if he doesn’t, he is not a man of integrity and you should move on as fast as possible.
Simple Truth #3:
Men desire connection and safety just as much as women.
An emotionally healthy man will choose a woman who makes him feel safe over a flamboyant romp in the sack every time.
Have you ever stayed in a relationship too long waiting for him to commit only to watch him marry the next woman he meets? What did she have that you didn’t? Oftentimes, a man doesn’t even know what he is looking for until that glowing, confident, self-assured women whirls into his life. She can be a game changer for even the most steadfast of bachelors.
Sisters, there is a way out of the ever increasing “numbers” game and into the arms of a wonderful man so listen up.
Step One: Recognize you have a pattern of giving up the cookie too soon.
Step Two: Let yourself off the hook. You are not a whore. You’ve only mistakenly believed that you could gain love by offering your body. Give yourself grace and forgiveness for acting in a way that did not support your highest self.
Step Three: Stop dating until you do the work to heal your self-worth and unequivocally know you are able to protect and support your sacred self in your next relationship.
And always remember there is nothing more attractive and stimulating to an emotionally healthy man than a woman who values herself.