by Diana Prince, a.k.a. Wonder Woman
Succeeding as a woman in a man’s world is hard. You’re never treated equally, you don’t get invited to war council meetings, and your immortal half-brother is always trying to destroy you. Talk about microaggressions!
Let me introduce myself. My name is Princess Diana of Themyscira. But don’t let the title fool you. I’m a regular gal, just like you. I shave myself one armpit at a time.
Still, it can be intimidating for insecure male colleagues when they sit at the same table with “Wonder Woman.” Ha! How can they compete with that?
Many nights I’ve cried myself to sleep, wondering how I can be taken seriously.
Fear not. With the help of the gods, I’ve discovered a few simple things you can do to earn respect from the corporate patriarchy.
I started at Amazon. It was a tough corporate culture. But I learned some valuable lessons, like how to pirouette off an Arabian charger while firing arrows into German soldiers. Oh, the sprained ankles!
My mother Hippolyta told me I’d have to train 10 times harder than the boys to be treated with respect. So I did. And you can too! Just be sure to have some lotion on hand, the metal and sand chafe big-time.
Still, a sterling résumé is not enough. At my first job interview, I emphasized my super-human strength, lightning-fast reflexes, and immortality. I thought those would be good assets in the workplace. But I came across as too pushy. My interviewer said he couldn’t hire me because I might find a husband and get pregnant. So I killed him.
At the next interview, I changed my routine. I made a joke about my accent. “You didn’t know you’d be hiring Arianna Huffington, did you?” We laughed and laughed.
Remember, the good-old-boy network needs to feel superior to you. So let them know you can’t cook or drive a stick-shift. It’ll work wonders.
Make Yourself Heard
Studies show that 85 percent of females are afraid to speak up in the male-dominated corporate boardroom. They know it might lead to negative attention or under-the-table groping. What good is speaking 100 languages when you’re always interrupted?
What I have found helpful is my Lasso of Truth. When I’m asked a question, I deflect. “I don’t know, what do you think?” Then I throw my magic rope around the man and squeeze until he tells me the truth. “Are you the one who didn’t refill the ice tray, you thoughtless bastard?” Works every time.
Don’t Let Disagreements Fester
Sometimes you don’t know when you’re annoying somebody. At this one meeting, I kept banging my indestructible bracelets against the table. Nobody said anything, but then someone dropped a grenade into my cubicle. So passive-aggressive!
So I called HR and said, “This man tried to kill me. Can you give him some extra sensitivity training?” Turns out he was a spy. So it worked out all around!
Never be afraid to rat out a colleague. A four-star general I know was getting snippy with his underlings. I threatened to file a lawsuit, and he was busted. Now he’s back in Wisconsin leading scrap drives for the war. A win-win!
You can’t succeed by yourself. You need a team. Be sure to surround yourself with talented people from all walks of life. Hire outside the box. My team consists of an American Indian, a Middle Eastern, and a drunk British soldier with PTSD. Some might call it tokenism. I call it fighting a World War that looks like the world.
Remember, men are easily corrupted. If it wasn’t for war, they’d be useless. But us regular gals still need a paycheck, right? So “lasso in,” speak up, and save the world, one dead creep at a time.