Last-Minute Holi-Deals: How Far Will E-tailers Go?

"There's STILL TIME!" an retailer's email is probably screaming at you from your inbox. And it's not the only one begging you for consideration is it?


Frantic e-tailers know it's desperation time to collect your holiday dollars, and they're pulling out all the stops: Free shipping! 50% off! Free wrapping! Free returns!

But have they really pulled out all the tricks? Here are some offers you may see as the holiday creeps even closer:

Order right now and we'll have one of our employees personally drive it to your house tonight!

Order today and we'll cook breakfast for your family (up to four people) on Christmas morning!

For every $100 you spend, we'll keep one job-eliminated employee on staff for another week!

Buy a $50 gift card that will still be worth around $50 up to six months later!

Buy now and we'll give a full-time job to your laid-off brother-in-law!

Order by Christmas Eve, and we'll have one of your enemies killed!

Purchase by noon and we'll tell you who really shot Kennedy!

Spend more than $100 and get a free pass for two to a White House event of your choice!

Order by December 25 and we'll lobby to have you written into the federal health care bill!

Order before Christmas and Lady Gaga will show up at your home wearing a dress made solely out of packing tape, foam peanuts, and your receipt!

Joel Schwartzberg is an award-winning essayist and author of "The 40-Year-Old Version"... which can STILL be ordered in time for MLK Day!

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