To: My Fellow Family Colleagues
From: CEO, Laundry Services Division:
First and foremost, I’d like to start off by thanking you for unanimously nominating me, for the 16th consecutive year, to serve as Chief Executive Officer of the Laundry Services Division. I am once again shocked to have had nary a competitor in this election, winning by a landslide. Yet again.
I’d like to review my qualifications in order to reinforce your confidence in my election to this position. My track record obviously speaks for itself in terms of my superior sock-matching abilities, and my careful attention to detail has prevented many a would-be catastrophe (minus that unfortunate blue crayon incident. Oh, and the infamous “infant diaper gel-bead dryer explosion” crisis of 2004).
In terms of company costs, my careful discernment has also reduced detergent overhead expense; that is, I have taken great pains to avoid re-washing clean clothing that was “accidentally” thrown back into the hamper rather than shelved. You’re welcome.
I have clearly demonstrated my vast aptitude concerning the execution of essential laundry-related tasks: I have superior skills in the task of reversing every single inside-out item (estimated to be 82 percent of all laundered clothing on premises) with dexterity & efficiency.
My impeccable organizational system has also ensured that company property has rarely been misplaced or discarded. In the majority of lost laundry item cases, I have demonstrated the ability to locate the item by pointing out that said item was on the person’s bedroom floor under a pile of dirty clothing…. Every.Single.Time.
In addition, I am well versed in all facets of the required sanitation procedure regarding the safe handling of all manner of potentially hazardous laundry items, i.e., three-day old milk soaked towels, “skid marked” undergarments, items used by the cat for toilet purposes and virtually any sock worn by members of our corporation.
I am honored that you have entrusted me with the daunting responsibility of whitening your whites… if I knew how bleach worked, that is. Which I don’t. But I firmly believe that greying socks show character. I’m proud to say that we have an abundance of character in this household corporation. Yes, indeed… TONS of character.
I greatly appreciated the past compensation that you have kindly offered in response to my diligence in managing said laundry responsibilities. My humble request is that in the future, I would prefer any and all tips to be placed ON the washing machine rather than IN it (paper money, takes a considerable amount of time to dry). And please refrain from tips that are not water-soluble, such as cell phones, crayons, or Play-Doh. Especially Play-Doh.
Management, a.k.a. MOM