Learn Some Damn Theater Etiquette Or Patti LuPone Will Steal Your Phone

What the hell kind of feral beasts are you becoming, America?

What the hell kind of feral beasts are you becoming, America? Last night, Patti LuPone had to confiscate a woman's phone when she was texting in the front row of Lincoln Center Theater, and you know what? Patti LuPone is a goddamned American hero. 

Enough is enough. It was just last week some other feral person jumped on stage at a Broadway show to charge his phone. At a Broadway goddamned show. First of all, your phone does not need to be charged, because it should be off. Second of all, IT'S A BROADWAY GODDAMNED SHOW. 

Have some self-respect. Y'all are acting like you were raised by wolves. Self-involved wolves with opposable thumbs whose highly evolved nature has led you to stare constantly at your phones. But wolves nonetheless.

The theater used to be a place of elegance and high culture. There used to be a certain dress code, an inherent level of respect required walking in the door. Now, half of the audience shows up in flip flops, looking like they are about to tailgate a Little League game. 

But fine, whatever, dress like a slob with no respect. Patti LuPone can't make you have dignity. Patti LuPone can't force you to refer to it as "intermission" and not "halftime." But Patti LuPone can, 100 percent, definitely tell you to put your phone away. She can and she will, people.

Honestly, what are you even doing on your phone in the first place? Are you updating your Facebook status with "seeing patti lupone -- feeling cultural"? Taking some selfies with Patti LuPone on stage in the background? Tweeting at Patti LuPone to tell her she's doing a good job?

Next time you think the world wants to hear your every waking thought, check in with this quick, self-administered questionnaire:

-- Am I Barack Obama? Y/N.

-- Am I Malala Yousafzai? Y/N.

-- Am I Beyoncé? Y/N.

If the answer to any of those questions is "yes," then, fine, continuing being a thought leader during the two hours you should be relaxing and watching the show. Otherwise, do not be texting. Do not be tryna hop on stage to charge your phone. Honestly, even Beyoncé shouldn't be allowed to get away with sh-t like that. But she never would because she is an elegant goddess and paragon of grace, so it's a non-issue.

In conclusion: stop it. If you have any questions, please throw them in the trash with your goddamned phones. 

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