Learning from Tiger Woods

Last weekend, Tiger Woods returned to golf with a fourth-place finish at the Masters. Before his successful comeback, Tiger admitted to dishonesty in his personal life. After shooting a 174 in my first round of golf since last summer, I realized my own game might benefit from similar openness.

In the coming weeks, a number of women will come forward and claim never to have had a relationship with me. Rather than subject the public to this parade of respectable women, I'm going to come clean.

During my first summer at sleep-away camp, I did not kiss the redheaded girl from Bunk 11. I didn't kiss any girls at camp. I mainly did archery.

In tenth grade, my family took a trip to Paris. When I got back to school, I said I had a girlfriend in France and was worried she might be pregnant. My evidence was a letter from my Niçoise penpal, Jean-Sebastian. The letter was about Jean-Sebastian's stamp collection, but I said that "timbre" was French slang for "unborn child." I'd also like to apologize to Jean-Sebastian for trying to convince everyone that Jean-Sebastian is a girl's name.

When I got to college, I told my freshman roommates I'd once had a torrid affair with a girl named Daisy Buchanan. Daisy Buchanan is a character in a book.

"Girls Gone Wild" is what I called the group of stray dogs who attacked me outside my motel in Cancun. I never met the girls from the video.

After a semester abroad in Italy, I told everyone I'd had a torrid affair with a girl named Mona Lisa. Mona Lisa is a character in a painting.

The "on-again, off-again" relationship I have with the pretty girl from my apartment building would better be classified as an "off-again, never-actually-happened" relationship. The same goes for the girl from the gym, the girl I sometimes see on the subway, and any number of girlfriends "back in France."

I didn't go on a date with Gisele Bundchen. I'm not sure anybody believed this one.

To paraphrase Tiger Woods, "I [haven't] done some pretty bad things in my life." I hope the American people can forgive me.