Do you regret your offer to recap the show "Legends?"
Yes, you regret your offer to recap the show "Legends."
Watch episode two of "Legends," entitled "Chemistry."
PROCEDURE NOTES & OBSERVATIONS:
- Previously on "Legends": Remember how you thought this would be a good use of your time simply because Sean Bean is in it?
- Our story begins in Bakersfield, CA... nothing good begins in Bakersfield, CA.
- Loving family in a car... they'll probably die soon.
- Kid is a smartass on a smartphone. No longer invested in whether this family lives or dies.
- Cops pull them over, they look high.
- Wait, that's not an American accent.
- They aren't high, they're Russians.
- Oh no, real cops! Run, real cops!
- Someone's dead and it isn't Sean Bean... again.
- Still not buyng that "legends" is a thing anyone ever used to refer to an alias before... too disappointed already to google it.
- Sean Bean is seeing a therapist.
- Sexual function: EXCEPTIONAL... hahaha, damn right... raising hand to high five Sean Bean.
- Loosely sketched female FBI agent character is watching Sean Bean's therapy session with the loosely sketched boss character... that's not cool, guys, therapy is private.
- She questions whether Sean Bean's accent is even real... LOL.
- Apparently, we're back to female FBI agent not liking/trusting Sean Bean... ok, I mean, I thought we resolved that he is THE BEST™.
- She doesn't want to work with him but won't bother transferring him either.
- Boss/Nelson says he put them together because they are both THE BEST™ at what they do... I'd give high fives all around except no one is watching this with me.
- Flash back to Sean Bean getting mad and breaking his wife's dishes... son walks in and asks, "Dad, why are you breaking stuff?" You can't make this dialogue up.
- Sean Bean says he keeps his family and work separate... I bet that won't last... predict family in danger by episode four... oh, god, will I still be doing this two more episodes from now?
- Uh oh, Sean Bean signed in as Lincoln, the "legend" from the pilot... dude is still messed up.
- "A legend is an elaborate lie..." Metaphor!
- Sean Bean doesn't seem to know the definition of suicide.
- He picks up a copy of "The Idiot." Did the show just troll itself?
- "I know who I am." Not according to the last line of the pilot, Sean Bean. Did you not watch it either?
- "Pitch Perfect" Bobby's death ruled NOT a homicide.
- Pretty sure I just saw graffiti of Hermey The Dentist.
- Dad from the car is a high school chemistry teacher... don't remind us of good shows during your show, "Legends".
- "They are a typical middle class family." Daughter must be pregnant then.
- DAD IS RUSSIAN AND KNOWS HOW TO MAKE VX!
- "Most but NOT ALL the VX" really shouldn't be considered "MOST of the VX." If there's ANY VX, there's a lot of VX, IMHO.
- This is now tied into the Chechen Mafia... That settles it, I'm making a Bingo card for the next episode.
- Moles, active legends, DCOs... I would have already Bingo'd.
- Hey, guys, seems serious, better put THE BEST™ on this case.
- "Napoleon Dynamite" Maggie's hair has gotten quirkier since the pilot. She is officially the quirky tech character. At this point, I'll take it.
- The fuck is she smiling at?
- "Work the Chechen angle..." Is that a pole dance move?
- Richard, the chemistry teacher/secret Russian, didn't hide his Russian-ness for very long.
- Just because your husband speaks Russian that doesn't make him an immediate stranger, Susan... god, can any woman in this show be written with an ounce complexity? No? Ok.
- First commercial: We've learned that "Legends" borrowed a few extras from "The Americans" for this episode's bad guys.
- "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" reference... I WILL TAKE THAT.
- "We're on the same team here." BINGO!
- Raincoat guy from the pilot was former marine and crazy.
- Syd Barrett... who was that reference for?
- Wow, downstairs FBI dude/Morris Chestnut just helped him out and Sean Bean was like, "Not even authorized to tell you who I am..." Sean Bean ain't got to tell you shit, friend.
- Sean Bean is offering to go shopping with his son... son has to check his schedule... this is officially the worst father/son relationship.
- Russians or Chechen mafia or whoever they are want the chemistry teacher/no-longer-secret Russian to make VX.
- All black suit alert... dude is clearly the most evil Russian.
- So he just remembers how to make VX? I've made cornbread dressing casserole, like, 40 times and I still need to look at the recipe. Is he a wizard?
- Why the glamour shots of the female FBI agent?
- "Cocaine's a hell of a drug..." The fuck is going on with these references?
- "I bet you DO handle things..." Russians are smooth.
- Also, female FBI agent's name is Crystal... this show def hates women.
- Uh oh, Sean Bean angry!
- Sean Bean is casting aspersions on the way Russians play Russian Roulette... dude gives zero fucks.
- He's threatening to shoot a ball off of this guy as if it would be worse than just killing him. Get over your balls, gentlemen.
- Second commercial: We've learned the show writers are just entertaining themselves wherever they can.
- Dmitri lives in Silver Lake... Russian hipster?
- "No more of that cowboy shit..." No one says this to Sean Bean.
- IF that happens again she MIGHT do something.
- Maggie, running the tech ops... but her hair is running THE SHOW™.
- "72%... I can work with those odds..." I mean, you can, but should you?
- Female FBI Agent Crystal just rolled her eyes super hard and then agreed with Sean Bean's plan anyway. I just punched myself in the neck.
- Whoa, Nelson really cares about Martin. Almost as much as Martin cared about Bobby, who he met twice.
- Hey, fun! Accidental meet up at the taco cart between Sean Bean and FBI Agent Chestnut.
- Chestnut's on to you, Martin, and he does not drop the ball... Or fumble... He does NEITHER of those same things.
- Teenage girl just said she'd get a washcloth. Where? You're in a dungeon.
- I bet the wife is also Russian.
- Third commercial: We've learned that this show has aggressively decided to pursue place/time stamps.
- "Remember there's a lot of innocent people at the club." Thanks, boss, that's why you're THE BEST™.
- Maggie's hair is THE BEST™.
- Crystal is having trouble with her bracelet and Sean Bean fixes it. Why is this scene in the show?
- Martin needs to know you're up for this, Crystal! Are you up for this? You better be because word on the street is you're THE BEST™.
- These people don't trust each other but they're THE BEST™ and they are the only people who can do this.
- Also, they're discussing what shots they're going to have while on the mission.
- Crystal prefers whiskey to tequila. This is her first identifiable human characteristic. Well done, writers.
- How do FBI agents have so much time to spend on their hair?
- Someone is described as "like Gandalf with money..."
- Dmitri might be the worst... probably will die soon.
- Bakersfield still sounds like Bakersfield in Russian, Dmitri, you dumb shit.
- Oh, god, FBI fails again... they are so bad at this.
- Crystal, watch yourself... also, drink more bourbon.
- Russians apparently understand the idiom "powder my nose".
- Crystal went into the bathroom and they've lost her signal... good job, FBI.
- Aww, damn, they just killed nondescript FBI agent Troy.
- Damn, Crystal will shoot a bitch when they kill Troy.
- Fourth commercial: We've learned no one kills Troy on Crystal's watch.
- The Russians are stealing barrels of stuff.
- Maggie's hair is getting more aggressive as the show goes on.
- "What a goddamn mess" is Nelson's "I'm too old for this shit."
- Why are Martin and Crystal at his place? There's literally no reason for that.
- Someone else is behind this other than Chechens because they are "organized" -- BINGO! -- Didn't they have to be organized to kidnap someone?
- "I'm going to find out who did it and put a bullet in their head." Crystal, you actually, literally just did that before the last commercial.
- Uh oh, Morris Chestnut wants to surveil Sean Bean... his boss says no... I'm sure that will be it.
- He lied... that is NOT it.
- Crystal wearing an all black suit with turtleneck to signify mourning for Troy, for whom she cared deeply or something.
- I guess Crystal and Troy were good friends, just like Sean Bean and Bobby and Nelson and Sean Bean.
- Maggie is wearing a lot of patterns.
- Crystal may be grieving but she had time to get a cut and a blowout.
- "Regional Threat Matrix" sounds as dangerous as "Regional Emmy".
- Those canisters contained the chemicals to produce VX gas.
- Russian Richard is having trouble focusing on making VX gas.
- Sean Bean tells Nelson "I need to go back under"... you don't mean...
- No, it's TOO SOON, Sean Bean!
- He's going to assume the "legend" Dante Auerbach... Lord Of War... I need all the drinks right now.
- Sean Bean took his son shopping after all.
- Mom asks, "Are you going under again?" She knew... maybe she's THE BEST™.
- Uh oh, Agent Morris Chestnut is trying to follow Sean Bean.
- Aaaand Sean Bean is already on to you within 4 seconds, Agent Chestnut. You are THE WORST™.
- Sean Bean folds space.
- Half the city is in the kill zone.
- Dante Auerbach is Martin's "most productive legend"... is that another way of saying THE BEST™?
- "Dante is a talker, convincer, gambler..." Also a joker, smoker and midnight toker but that's neither here nor there.
- "Sit back and watch. It's his show now." I think a character in this show just told me to keep watching the show.
Sean Bean Deaths: 0
Fully Realized Supporting Characters: .25 (combined score of Crystal's whiskey preference and Morris Chestnut's refusal to back the F off of Sean Bean)
Plausible Plot Points: 1 (Both Bakersfield and Silver Lake are actual locations in California)
Cliches: Holding strong at infinite
Chance You'll Watch The Next Episode Simply Because It Stars Sean Bean & Watching Him Do Anything Is Better Than Not Watching Him Do Anything: 98%, 2% lower than last week
Characters Promising The Show Will Get Better Disguised As Dialogue: 1
Mostly regret, but an hour spent watching Sean Bean as part of my work day is still an hour spent watching Sean Bean.