Let Me Address Your Clown Panic Questions!

Well, the nationwide clown epidemic has officially hit my home state. In several Dallas-Fort Worth communities police issued warnings about clowns and one school brought in extra security. So, to ease minds across the country who might turn to the Huffington Post comedy section for some reason, I’ve answered a few questions from concerned citizens:

“Is there a clown epidemic?” -John M, Idaho

No.

“Should I be worried about these clown sightings?” -Maria H, Kansas

No. You are an adult.

“What should I do to protect my kids?” -Matt D, Oklahoma

Clowns are not a threat to your kids. Actually, if it makes you feel better, your friends, family members, and trusted religious leaders are much more likely to hurt your children. If anything, I’d keep an eye on the youth pastor who is reeeaaally into hugs. You know who I’m taking about, Matt. You know.

“But my kid saw a clown!” -Matt D, Oklahoma

No, he didn’t.

“He wouldn’t lie to me!” -Matt D, Oklahoma

Oh, Matt. Matt, Matt, Matt.

“I see a clown in my front yard, should I shoot it?!” -Carol J, Wisconsin

No, do not shoot the 19-year-old in a clown suit. He’s bored because Wendy’s laid him off and wants out of the house because his step-dad won’t stop bitching about him being unemployed.

“But I have kids!” -Carol J, Wisconsin

Do. Not. Shoot. The. Clown.

“I shot the clown.” -Carol J, Wisconsin

Damn it, Carol. That’s the opposite of what I said! Why did you even ask my advice?

“I took his mask off. I know him, he mows my lawn.” -Carol J, Wisconsin

I’m going to advise calling the police, Carol.

“I’m keeping the mask. As a trophy.” -Carol J, Wisconsin

You’re going down a dark path, Carol.

“Is this why people kill? The rush? I feel alive.” -Carol J, Wisconsin

Have you called 911 yet?

“After I hide the body and he’s reported missing, I’m going to console his mother. In person.” -Carol J, Wisconsin

Jesus, Carol….

“I’m going to tell her I’m here for her. I might bake a casserole. I’m gonna watch her eat that casserole.” -Carol J, Wisconsin

This…this did not go well.

“I think I’ve found my true self. This is my becoming!” -Carol J, Wisconsin

Please stop. Any other questions from literally anyone else?

“My driver’s side window won’t roll down and makes a terrible grinding noise, what should I do?” Doug K, Oregon

Is my answering this question in any way going to lead to the death of another human being?

“Why do you ask?” -Doug K, Oregon

Damn it.

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