I'm not gonna lie. When I first started writing this, it was intended to be just a rant about my love for Adele (that comes later), in hopes that she would read it and invite me on stage to sing with her at her second show in Denver (July 17th, 10th row, stage right). Then the alcohol wore off and a song from my fruitless record deal 10 years ago came on shuffle. Cue an hour of ugly crying.
As the days went on, zero ideas were coming to me and I'd become someone who just watches Netflix and checks Facebook while constantly wondering where the hell everyone's money is coming from. You just bought a house and traveled to Europe on vacation five times and you have no job? I haven't had a haircut since last August! Teach me your ways!
I've been going through what my hippie friends tell me is a "Saturn return", which is something about the stars and Saturn aligning when you're 29 going on 30 and deciding your life should be shitty for a little while. Honestly, I think sending a giant meteor down would be a lot easier, but whatever works best for you, Saturn.
In the normal world, people call it a "quarter-life crisis". Which can happen any time from your mid-twenties to your mid-thirties (at least according to Google). If you happen to be a part of what I assume is 1 percent of young adults who actually have their shit together, or are unfamiliar with these terms, let me elaborate:
In most cases, phrases such as "How did I get here?", "Holy shit what is happening?" and "Oh my god, where the fuck did these cats come from?" are commonly spoken out loud and in a high pitched voice. You may find that you actually enjoy the company of animals better than humans. Obviously those cats showed up for a reason. Might as well make the most of it. Other severe symptoms may include an obsession with some kind of pastry or crying in the middle of Target for no reason.
If you happen to be in a quarter-life crisis and newly seeing someone, you may find yourself over analyzing everything they say.
A nice text that reads: "Yeah, I'd like to hang out again if you want to", turns into 10 different possible interpretations: "Wait, only if I want to? But I asked him. Does he think I don't want to? Does he not want to? Is this reverse psychology of some kind? Why does he hate me? I'm a goddamn delight, how dare he! Mmm... I wonder what he's wearing right now."
If you're experiencing one or more of the signs above, just know that you're not alone and I hope your parents let you use their Netflix account. Thankfully mine do. They also let me stay in their basement and supply me with food and water and sometimes let me out back to play.
Things don't always go the way we hope. We make plans and those plans can get derailed. Life knocked me down a bit in my early twenties. And I don't mean just losing half my wardrobe because I was no longer 16-years-old and a size 2. All I wanted was to make people feel good while doing the thing I loved most, singing. If I could have achieved that by eating donuts, I would have tried that too. Instead, I was 19, and much like Adele at that age, in the process of a record deal. However, I was singing with a budding narcissist and making music with people who cared more about drugs than creating something beautiful. Then a few years after our musical break-up, I developed an annoying and enlarged thyroid problem. I've spent the last seven years trying to save it in an alternative manner and avoid surgery. Sadly, all that time went by and all I learned was three years without cheese from changing my diet was three years too long. Now, surgery seems to be the only option. Just a few minor speed bumps!
I think what I love most about Adele is how authentic she is. It's not just her incredible voice. She knows herself and tells it like it is and doesn't put up with any bullshit, nor does she throw any our way. And I'm sure she keeps going no matter what comes her direction. I feel like that's something I failed at. When I was 19, I didn't know who I was. I didn't know for most of my 20s. I was impatient and afraid. And it's taken 10 years for me to finally be comfortable with who I am, and not give a shit what others think and to know what I want and who I want to be, and most importantly, how to love myself. And I talk about Adele because in a weird way she's inspired me through this long process. I like to think I now see the silver lining of this quarter-life crisis cloud. I still don't know how to make anything I want happen, sometimes I find myself singing "We could have had it allllllll!" to my thyroid in the mirror. But I'm having more faith that things will be ok, however they turn out.
And I can't say I'm completely unsuccessful. I do have this blog, which I'm grateful for and is a wonderful platform to share whatever comes to my mind (despite the fact that men are afraid of me because of it). And my life isn't over yet. I'm surrounded by an incredible amount of amazing people who support me and my dreams. Which I've come to realize not everyone is rewarded with. But if it can happen to this thyroid-enlarged-pastry-loving-weirdo, it can happen to you too. I support you, whoever you are. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna use this blog to show the internet (or possibly just my Facebook friends) what I've got. Below is a short video of me singing "All I Ask" by Adele. You only see half my body, which I thought at the time was mysterious and artsy (I tried). And I wish I could say I'm wearing Dolce & Gabbana but it's a Duck Tale's shirt I purchased at Target to stop myself from crying. Enjoy, and please forward to Adele.