Let's Clear Up Some Lies You've Been Told About Vaginas

Here we go again: women being told their vulvas and vaginas aren't good enough in their natural state. They have to be scrubbed and waxed and have food products shoved inside them. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
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WARNING: This post contains sexually explicit language. Please read on at your own discretion.

This unfortunately crossed my desk this morning, and now my pussy is sad.

"[W]ouldn't you prefer to be that girl who smells and tastes a treat down there?" this incredibly irritating and offensive blog post begins.

Here we go again: women being told their vulvas and vaginas aren't good enough in their natural state. They have to be scrubbed and waxed and have food products shoved inside them. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"How to Make Your Vagina Smell and Taste Delicious," the post is titled, because of course you have to make it that way because A) it isn't that way already, and B) you somehow owe it to the world to do that.

All of this pussy shaming is exhausting. It leaves women -- even women-loving women -- feeling like there's something wrong with us, that we're not worthy, that our sexuality hangs in the balance of other people's approval of our naturally lacking body parts. Argh.

"Wash it!" this blogger begins. "The obvious first step to having fragrant, delicious private bits would be to thoroughly wash down there at least twice a day."

Nope. Your vulva and vagina do not need to be scrubbed clean twice a day. It is not dirty. I repeat: Unless you just ran a marathon, sat in the sun for hours, or rolled naked in the mud, your nether regions are not inherently dirty. The vagina creates a very particular, balanced environment for itself. There's no need to mess with it.

Language like this adds to the vulvar and vaginal shame that so many women already feel. And, sadly, despite the presence of two vulvas and vaginas, this shaming and self-loathing can still exist in lesbian relationships. Your pussy is perfect. It looks perfect. It smells perfect. And it can cause you to feel perfectly wonderful things. Barring an infection -- yeast, bacterial or otherwise -- all it needs is some lovely, warm water run over it when you shower. Period.

Yes, as the blogger explains, pussies like fresh air, and they do not like to be sprayed. But, once again, neither she nor anyone else should be dictating your undergarment or laundry-detergent choices. I don't know what kind of detergent she's using, but mine has never left a Downy-fresh smell on my pussy. (Note: Don't put dryer sheets in your vagina.) And my lacy thongs are cotton or have a cotton lining. So I'm all good, thank you.

"Wax it! Sweat cause odors and pubic hair retains sweat. By waxing, the chance of odor caused by sweat is significantly reduced and in my opinion, a waxed vagina is visually more appealing."

The only thing I really want to say to this is, quite simply, "Fuck you." First of all, you can't wax a vagina. It has no hair. The vagina is the internal canal.

A vulva, on the other hand, can be waxed, shaved, or plucked, or it can be left in its perfectly lovely, perfectly natural, untouched state. Sometimes I wax my pussy. Sometimes I shave it. Sometimes I leave a trail. Sometimes a triangle. Sometimes nothing at all. It's my pussy, so I do whatever I want with it.

We have to stop telling women what to do with their pussies. It's your pussy. I recommend treating it nicely and respectfully. I recommend pleasuring her regularly. I recommend only sharing her when you want and with whom you want and how you want. But, honestly, those are only recommendations. It's your body. Your choice. And no one, especially not some random blogger, should be telling any woman how she should groom her pussy. Fuck that.

"Wet Wipe it! Using baby wipes after each trip to the toilet can reduce urinary tract/vaginal infections plus they are designed to be soft and gentle on the skin. So keep some baby wipes handy."

Once again, no need, at all. If things get a little messy on your backside, sure, use a wipe if you choose. And always wipe from front to back to keep bacteria from being transferred from you backside to your pussy. But you don't need wipes. You don't, and neither does your home's plumbing system.

"Eat it!"

Well, yes, I certainly recommend eating pussy. But, sadly, that is not what this dear blogger is recommending.

"Did you know that vegetarians have been proven to have better tasting secretions than meat eaters?!"

I'd love to see that study, if it's a blind, peer-reviewed, scientific one. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Some argue that eating pineapple and some other sweet fruits can make your pussy taste sweeter, and that some harsher-tasting foods may have the opposite effect. But -- and my apologies if this is too graphic or personal for you -- my girl must tell me a million times a day how much she loves the taste and smell of my pussy, and I am always saying the exact same thing about hers, and we are two seriously meat-loving girls. So I'm calling bullshit on this too.

"Treat it! Yeast infection is one cause of foul odor. You will need to treat it before you can start tasting and smelling good down there. A cream like Vagisil, which can be bought over-the-counter at pharmacies, can eliminate odor and itchiness."

There's all kind of confusion going on here. Vagisil is not for yeast infections. If you are itchy and/or have a white discharge, see your doc. It may be yeast, and you may need meds. If it is foul- or fishy-smelling, you may have a bacterial infection, and you should see your doc for meds. Simple as that.

"Dip it! An old wives remedy for healthy vaginas is to dip a clean tampon into plain, unsweetened yoghurt and then insert it into your vagina for an hour. By fighting the unhealthy ones, the healthy bacteria in yoghurt help eliminate any fishy and unpleasant odor. Do remember to wash your vagina thoroughly after removing the tampon."

Holy shit. No, no, and no. Here's the thing: Yogurt is food. That means it's not made for putting in or leaving in your vagina. Even if you use a cucumber as a dildo, which is a perfectly reasonable, it's a good idea to cover it with a condom. Just because yogurt has live cultures in it does not mean you should leave it in your vagina. Some women say it has a soothing effect if you use it on your vulva, but it's highly unlikely that it will actually "cure" a yeast infection.

There are some medications designed for that purpose that have been tested to be safe for your vagina. But talk about setting off an imbalance. Bottom line: My sister, Dr. Block, wisely said when I told her about this, "Don't leave shit in there not designed for that purpose. Besides, how would you ever get it out?" Douching is terrible for you, and anything short of that is going to leave yogurt residue.

"Try these tips for potential improvements in 'down southern' hospitality =)"

Gross. My vagina is not a hotel, and neither is yours. And why are the words "down" and "southern" both in quotation marks?

This is a Singapore-based site, so perhaps there are some cultural issues and some language issues going on throughout. But regardless of culture, pussy pride should reign throughout the lands.

There also seem to be some plagiarism issues (or serious over-borrowing, at the very least), as some of this has been lifted almost word-for-word from a Jezebel piece published about a year earlier.

Here's the thing: Pussies are not supposed to taste like cupcakes and smell like roses. They are supposed to taste and smell like pussies: sweet, pungent, spicy, delicious, and maybe a little bit like iron before, during, and after your period. But unless there is an underlying health issue, there is nothing wrong with a pussy that tastes, smells, and looks like, well, a pussy.

The pussy shaming and self-loathing has to stop. Men perpetrate it, but women do it to themselves too, and lesbians doing it seems extra-problematic. We're supposed to be supporting each other and loving each other and pulling each other up, not dragging each other down.

Trust me: Your pussy is perfect. Stop worrying about it. Seriously. If you need something to worry about, how about female genital mutilation, unhygienic toilets, unclean water, a lack of period products to help girls avoid missing school once a month, unequal pay, and anti-LGBT discrimination. Your pussy is doing just fine. Pleasure, rinse, and repeat. That's all you need to know.

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