"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds." Joan Rivers
As with the writing of any book, when asked, there are always individuals who are willing to share their time and expertise about a subject on which they are passionate or have had first hand experience. When I began to consider my subject matter, I was concerned that not enough of my peer group as well as the younger generation would step up to the plate to share their points of view. Imagine my surprise and delight when both men and women were equally willing to participate in several focus groups. Quite frankly, their ideas, experiences, creativity, openness and edgy feedback left me speechless.
Here's what I learned: Couples as well as individual men and women of all backgrounds differed significantly on their sexual points of view. While men are quick to describe sex as a physical activity, women, on the other hand, consider sex from an emotional perspective. The challenge that presented itself was, "How to write this book in a way that honors and respects both genders?"
I promised participants who were willing to share complete anonymity. We laughed, and in some cases completely shocked each other. I was totally taken aback by all the participants who described their sexual adventures and misadventures. Another shock came when we talked about sexual frequency. Participants varied greatly in their estimates. However, it was not surprising that the men's numbers were usually greater than the woman's. Surprise! Surprise!
For me, and perhaps for you as well, the most startling of all were the unbelievable fantasy names for their spouses/partners private parts. Even at my age, thinking I had heard it all, I was shocked by their ideas and comments. Even more apparent was the fact that both genders were totally unaware of their spouses/partners thoughts on that subject matter.
This leads me to my point: In order to get a little you've got to talk a little. I should say you have to talk a lot. Bottom line? Men and women need to have open and honest conversations. As in business and in intimacy, communication is the key to success. In any worthwhile and mutually satisfying relationship or marriage, clarity and understanding are interwoven in the same way fine threads produce beautiful cloth.
When a partnership is solid, individuals can trust open and honest dialogue. When feelings are shared, ideas expressed and acceptance is achieved, individual self worth is established. There is an underlying feeling of commitment i.e. a belief that each is equally important and precious to the relationship. There is laughter and tears. There is pleasure and pain. Most of all, there is love and a strong belief in each other.
So, if you and your partner want to enjoy more frequent sex and achieve true intimacy it's good to have a mutually agreed upon plan. For example, when I want Sassy Grandma to know that I'm looking for some action, I leave a paper heart or a piece of chocolate on her pillow. She usually gets the hint. We always take the time to warm up. (Well, maybe not always) The warm-up, i.e. foreplay, is as important as the game. Remember: Great sex is a combination of communication, the right attitude, the right information and on occasion the right technology.
I welcome your feedback and insights