Now that news of King George III’s defeat has finally reached you, it’s time to update our U.S. Constitution to reflect our modern world. Let’s start with what is literally the most dangerous amendment: the Second Amendment, the right to “bear arms.”
It’s outdated. When was the last time you said, “Do you even bear weight, bro?” or “Here, bear my beer while I go pee”?
So, after a few hundred years, it’s time for an update. If we had waited this long for a new iPhone, people would have used their own children to beat down the doors of Apple’s headquarters.
Transcript (for those not ye old enough):
A well regulated militia (should probably get around to actually regulating, since we no longer live in a lawless land filled with marauders and bears and marauding bears) being necessary to the security of a free state (OK, not as necessary in present day sans marauding bears) the right of the people to keep and bear arms (bet if we had taken the bears’ arms they wouldn’t have been so much trouble), shall not be infringed. - 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1791, when bears terrorized the land