One day, after you have signed and filed the paperwork for the divorce, you wake up and realize that you have been with the same person for however long. You both had your dysfunctions, and you both functioned within the relationship amidst those dysfunctions.
All throughout my marriage I heard “You’re too much...”. Talk too much. Too much energy. Too busy. Too much on your schedule.
And hearing that I was too much sometimes made me feel like I wasn’t enough.
Funny how that works.
The truth is, I have been a busy body my entire life. If I don’t have something on my schedule, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m only a chatterbox with people that I actually like.
I shouldn’t have to apologize for my energy- and I won’t. I was born with gifts that sometimes make other people uncomfortable around me. Not everyone can appreciate the beam of sunlight and they prefer the shade.
Your preference to live in the shade is not my problem. But I made it my issue for far too long. So long in fact, that I started dimming my light to create the perfect amount of shade. Walking on eggshells- at the expense of my own sanity and health.
Fortunately I had the presence of mind, and enough self-esteem to remind myself that I liked being sunshine. I started to surround myself with people who were not threatened by who I am...friends included. Whoever dealt with me would have to like life in the sunlight. He would have to have enough going on for himself that my schedule does not bother him.
Someone else appreciates all of me. Not just the parts that makes him feel comfortable.
I’m not for everybody. I am too much. And I am thankful that the men that realize that and acknowledge the fact that I am too much. It makes it that much easier for me not to deal with you and move on to someone that can deal with all of me and feels warm by my sunshine instead of seeking to live in the shade.