Life Without John Hughes Movies

Life Without John Hughes Movies
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I’m pretty thankful that smartphones weren’t around when I was a kid. With all the constant selfies, snapchatting and social media comparisons, I don’t think my frizzy-haired, fragile, younger self could’ve handled it. But there’s another major reason I’m grateful that technology held off, and it’s this:

John Hughes could never have made most of his iconic films if smartphones were around back then.

Sounds crazy, but imagine growing up with no Ferris, no Duckie, no Ally Sheedy eating a sugar sandwich or Judd Nelson pumping his fist in the air as he walked across the football field. His classic plots would never fly if iPhones were around. Let’s examine some of Hughes’ top films and see why…

“The Breakfast Club”: A group of 5 mismatched high school students –a brain, an athlete, a princess, a basket case and a criminal - spend 9 hours in the school library for Saturday detention. With nothing in common, they end up baring their souls to each other, dancing, running through hallways, telling stories and emerging closer than they could’ve imagine. But if smartphones were around? They would’ve each entered the library, written their essay, and then buried their heads in their phones, texting their buddies about how much their days stinks, trolling Instagram and avoiding the strangers in the library with them. Without phones they had no choice but to be social – demented and sad, but social. (Who caught that?)

“Sixteen Candles”: the whole movie is based on the premise that, amid her sister’s upcoming wedding, everyone forgets Samantha’s sixteenth birthday. But with smartphones next to everyone’s head at night, her parents would’ve awoken to a million Facebook notifications, calendar alerts and emails from her dentist and pediatrician to remind them. Even if Samantha wasn’t depressed all day over that, Jake Ryan would never have had to frantically search for her at the end and wouldn’t have shown up unannounced at her sister’s wedding. He’d just text message her and they’d grab pizza another time. That means no Samantha and Jake sitting crisscross-applesauce on a table over a birthday cake. Tragic.

“Ferris Buller’s Day Off”: So Ferris, girlfriend Sloane and best pal Cameron ditch school for an elaborate adventure through Chicago, but everything depends on not getting caught by principal Rooney or Ferris’s parents. But with smartphones? FAT CHANCE! The second Ferris got on a float to lip sync “Danke Schoen” or caught a ball at the Cubs game, he’d be all over social media! And as for Cameron borrowing his dads prized Ferrari, there’s no way his dad wouldn’t have an alert on his phone the second someone touched that thing. And not for nothing, but if Ferris tried to convince the restaurant manager he was the sausage king of Chicago, the dude would’ve just looked Abe Froman up online and seen it wasn’t him. The whole thing would’ve ended before it began.

“Home Alone”: Come on… the minute Kevin realized he was left back, he would’ve rang his dad’s cell and been all “Yo Pops, forget something?” His folks would’ve turned around, scooped him up and they’d all have had a super vacation and returned home to a flooded, ransacked house. The end.

“Vacation”: Hughes wrote the classic tale of a man trying to take his family on a great trip where everything goes wrong. But if smartphones were around, Ellen would’ve gone online to check the park amenities and discovered straight away that Wally World was closed for renovations. Plans would’ve changed and Clark would never have skinny dipped in a motel pool with Christie Brinkley. Sorry Griswolds.

“Planes, Trains and Automobiles”: One word: Uber.

So I’m pretty grateful for my device-free youth, ‘cause aside from classic films, who knows what adventures I may have missed with my face buried in a smartphone. I just hope today’s kids can put their hand-helds down long enough to have some real fun. Remember, life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

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