Humans are social creatures, so it can seem unnatural and worrisome when someone consistently chooses solitude. But is it? Does wanting to be alone signal a problem?
This may be a question you’re asking about yourself or someone in your life. And there’s no single answer. One thing, however, is clear: It’s perfectly OK to want time to yourself. But you should understand why you seek it, especially if solitude is your default setting. It may simply be a healthy expression of your personality, or it may indicate that you have an underlying issue you’d do well to address.
Let’s examine a few of the most common reasons for preferring to be alone, many of which can overlap. Do any sound familiar?
1. You’re an introvert.
Being an introvert means you get your energy from being alone, as opposed to extroverts, who get theirs from social interactions. It’s why an extrovert starts calling friends after a tough day and an introvert turns off the phone.
None of us is pure introvert or extrovert, and one type is not “better” than the other. It is simply a different way of interacting with the world that comes down to the way you’re wired. Research shows us, for example, that the brains of introverts process rewarding experiences differently from extroverts, and too much stimulation can be overwhelming.
Introversion is not something to be cured, as Susan Cain notes in “Quiet,” a book that has helped sparked long-overdue respect for introverts and their gifts. Instead, it’s something to be understood so that you and the others in your life can honor your need to recharge through solitude and also recognize when it is appropriate to push yourself beyond the bounds of what comes naturally.
2. You have social anxiety disorder.
Social anxiety disorder (sometimes called social phobia) can look a lot like shyness, but it is much more. Shyness is a personality trait marked by inhibition in social interactions and anxiety about being scrutinized. But those feelings don’t shut the person off from life or keep them from doing what they need to do. And the shy person doesn’t necessarily see their shyness as a negative. It’s just the way they were made.
Social anxiety disorder, on the other hand, is a mental health issue that comes with so much dread of being judged and found lacking that social situations become gauntlets of humiliation, fear and embarrassment. If you have social anxiety disorder, you will go far out of your way to avoid putting yourself in social situations, even though you know your reaction is over the top. When such situations can’t be ignored, they are endured and can end up feeling like torture.
If you know your need for solitude signals more than shyness, reach out for help. Treatment for social anxiety disorder can be highly effective and generally includes medication to help control anxious feelings and psychological counseling such as cognitive behavioral therapy, which helps you identify and overcome the distortions in your thinking.
3. You’re depressed.
Depression is more than the blues. When you have depression, you have a serious (but very common) mood disorder, one that can destroy your interest in things that once gave you joy and convince you that nothing is worth the effort.
That can include interactions with friends and loved ones. And it’s a vicious cycle. The more you isolate yourself, the more depressed you may feel, leading to more isolation. And on and on.
The antidote is to re-examine those negative feelings and the desire to crawl back into bed and quit answering the door. But that’s easier said than done. Overcoming depression often requires care from a mental health professional that commonly includes a combination of medication, such as antidepressants, and therapy.
4. You’re trying to stay hidden.
Perhaps you’ve had trauma in your past. Perhaps you learned long ago it’s best to make yourself as small a target for the world as possible. Or perhaps you stay shut away as a type of pre-emptive strike: If you don’t put yourself out there, then no one can reject you.
If so, it stands to reason you’d see wisdom in isolating behaviors.
A part of you probably recognizes this is an unhealthy response. Remaining hidden only ensures your life and opportunities will be stunted, not that you’ll be protected.
A counselor or therapist can help you identify those underlying issues and gain the insights and courage you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Yes, it’s tough because it means opening the door to potential pain, but it also means the opening the door to happiness.
Alone vs. Lonely
These four represent just a few of the reasons you might want to be alone. Perhaps the biggest question to ask yourself is this: “Does being alone bring loneliness?” It matters because loneliness is linked to a variety of physical and mental ailments. Research shows it’s also linked to a higher risk of early death — more so even than obesity.
So pay attention to the feelings that come when you’ve successfully managed to wrangle time alone. Those sensations may signal that you’ve achieved just what you need, or that you’ve created a coping mechanism that has more risks than rewards.
David Sack, MD, is board certified in psychiatry, addiction psychiatry and addiction medicine. As CMO of Elements Behavioral Health, he oversees a network of mental health treatment centers that includes Lucida women’s mood disorders program and The Ranch rehab center in Tennessee.