From the desk of high school sophomore Donnie Trump:
After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue senior Chrissie Ferguson, head cheerleader and homecoming queen, as my date for prom.
This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential to be Chrissie's date continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the contenders in polls conducted by my fellow chess and AV club members. I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to ask her, I would easily get her to go with me, have a wonderful time and get to second, possibly third base.
I have spent the past several months unofficially and feverishly considering that moment, often at night or when my mom and step-dad aren't near the bathroom, and recognize that asking the homecoming queen to prom cannot be done half-heartedly. Ultimately, however, the Monty Python's Flying Circus marathon on IFC the night of prom is my greatest passion and I am not ready not to watch it. I mean, I would totally get her to go if I asked, but, y'know. Crunchy Frog.
I want to personally thank the dozens of fellow sophomores who have joined the various Trump for Chrissie Ferguson grassroots movements and written me letters and e-mails encouraging me to ask her out and see if she frenches. My gratitude for your faith and trust in me could never be expressed properly in words. So, I make you this promise: that I will continue to voice loudly my fantasies about what Chrissie and I would do on prom night.
My ability to say I would be better than Chrissie's current boyfriend Barry at everything from kissing to listening to Chrissie's feelings, despite the fact I have never so much as held a girl's hand, is perhaps my greatest asset and one of the most valuable services I can provide to this school. I will continue to push Barry to be a better boyfriend, although I have no clue what that entails.
I will not shy away from expressing the opinions that so many of you share yet don't have a medium through which to articulate. My step-dad has some old cans of spray paint around, so expect to see "Chrissie is hawt," "I <3 Chrissie Ferguson," "Barry O is a Kenyan" and "Slayer Rulez" appearing down by the quarry as soon as I get my learner's permit.
So although Chrissie is totally in my league and the fact the one time I talked to her and she called me "Danny" I'm sure she was just joking, I have to let her down easily and declare I will no longer be asking her to prom.
Thank you and God bless America!
Little Donnie Trump, 14