TIME I WAS TOLD TO ARRIVE AT JURY SELECTION: 8:45AM.
MAATAJS (My Actual Arrival Time at Jury Selection): 9:30AM.
I was expecting to join a handful of people, had no idea it would be freaking Ellis Island style, anonymous, DMV type masses waiting for their names to be called. I walk in, I look around, and have no idea what to do. There is a desk and it is manned by someone who probably does know what I should do, however there is also a sign that absurdly reads: PLEASE HAVE A SEAT AND DO NOT APPROACH THE COUNTER AT THIS TIME. THANK YOU.
So I scanned the room for eyecatching guys (too obvious about it?), saw none, and sat my rear end down to wait. And wait and wait.
Then a desk guy got on the mic and started listing off information. Never have I so wished I'd been convicted of a prior felony (INSTANT DQ, FELONS! WAY TO THINK AHEAD.).
I'm starving and half asleep. Luckily there's a croissant guy selling stuff right outside the door on our floor--he's cleaning up out there! Or is he an enterprising jurist? That's how I'd like to think of him, because it gives me 1 second of entertainment.
I would like to try to engage the other potential jurists in patriotic singalongs!
FANTASY JURY DUTY SINGALONG SETLIST
1.) Yankee Doodle
2.) Oops, I Did It Again
3.) Star Spangled Banner
4.) Born in the USA (I'm eligible because I was...)
5.) And of course, Hey Jude
"I need to see those hands in the air! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP WITH ME!" I would shout, running around with Richard Simmons-level energy.
Reality: nothing is happening. I am sitting in a chair.
Why didn't I bring my book? Idiotic. I thought about it and was like nah! Why was I like nah?
I want to raise my hand at the end of the droning information recital: Is there a tanning deck?
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT AND DO NOT APPROACH THE COUNTER AT THIS TIME. THANK YOU. You have no idea how bad I want to approach that counter. Would I get gunned down? (Fingers cruxed!)
Costume Ideas for How I Should Have Dressed
1.) Klanswoman, full attire
Too obvious?
I think I see Bobbito! Bobbito the DJ. I'm almost positive it is him. Years back, I wrote a positive review for Details of a party he DJd at and the editor (since fired) changed the entire thing to be obnoxiously negative and the opposite of how I felt. But at least he kept my name on it!
(Long intimate thought about girl in pink polo shirt with nosejob bandaging...she later lets us all know she suffered a basketball injury. I oughta take up basketball again, always did love that sport....SUSPICIOUS GLANCE TO CAMERA)
MAGAZINE PILE DISCOVERY! Vanity Fair. I read about Eastern European models and how they are just RUNNING the industry. HURRAH!
(Chewing) I gotta say, fantastic chocolate croissant and coffee! I'll have to come back here for an 8AM snack once I get my finances back on track post Jury Duty!
JUROR QUESTIONNAIRE #17: What are your hobbies or recreational activities? I like pilates!
I stifle the urge to shush a deaf lady because I just feel like she's signing loud. It feels like the equivalent of someone constantly using all caps in IM.
DRESS CODE: While no formal code exists, jurors are requested to dress in a manner respectful to the court. REQUEST DENIED!
Bored. Back to Vanity Fair-to-Middlin. Time? 10:10AM. Only twelve-thousand more hours til 5!
If a guy's text to me included "yup" does that definitely mean he's not interested? "Yup" and "Yep" seem like major buzzkill words for a flirt sesh. It should be yeah or yea...
Rollcall: Why do people get furious that this Chinese lady is mispronouncing their name? Who gives a crap? This isn't your intro at Carnegie Hall/Shea Stadium/The Apollo Theater/WWF, so calm down. Same goes for people who get mad if I don't remember their name when I met them a year ago at a party. Again: Who. gives. a. crap.
I get called in for a smaller group of 20 or so prospective jurors on a breach of contract case. You have no idea how bad I want to start crying during questioning, weeping about a traumatic breach of contract that happened in my past: "Sniff, sniff, TOOT, and then...and then I realized...it had been a breach of contraaaaaaaaaaaact...."
Also want to cheer the one attorney, but boo the second one who stands arbitrarily. Just boo and cheer certain keywords in general.
I have no idea what this lawyer is saying. It sounds like blah blah blah to me. I have a term for that feeling, I call it: Math Class.
Dear US Government. All my guilt about allowing someone to talk me into buying a Senior ticket at Wedding Crashers: GONE!
The lawyers are going around the room asking people what bumper stickers they have and other fun questions like:
What magazines to you read regularly? Just Black Tail.
What hobbies do you enjoy? Badmitton, but if you want to talk about it in detail, I'd prefer to step outside because I get very emotional about it.
Anything that would prevent you from being fair? (Very deferential vocal tone) I'm very congested. I tend to have to do a lot of spitting, hacking, loogies, and farmers which I can do into a brown paper bag.
11:48AM Dying to get online.
12:54PM Back from lunch.
So tired of the juror's social scene.
They all "talked shop" over a communal lunch. Me? Hiked up my shirt and worked on a tummy tan while eating rice and beans alone at an adjacent table. Tomorrow, bikini?
Checking voicemail now. Missed call from Jasmine re: London attacks. She asks that I don't take trains as she thinks it's a "coordinated effort." Cool. I'll just stay tucked away here at CITY HALL. "We got to pray just to make it today, aw yeah we pray, praaaaay" --MC HAMMER
Why didn't I get a sidekick. Why didn't I get a sidekick. Why didn't I get a sidekick. Why didn't I get a sidekick. Why didn't I get a sidekick. Why didn't I get a sidekick. Why didn't I get a sidekick. Why didn't I get a sidekick. "If I could turn back time..." --CHER
After a break, Lawyer Two is asked a question and says only: "I can't say anything unless my adversary is in the room." YOUR ADVERSARY IS LATE. I'M VOTING FOR YOU. I FORGET WHICH SIDE YOU WERE ON, AND I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THE CASE, BUT I LIKE THAT YOU'RE HERE. YOU WIN.
Excuse me...sir? I just realized my period is late, may I be excused?
1:13PM Really starting to lose it. Earlier, laughed at a guy who said his hobby included being a member of a PC user group.
1:44PM Just awoke from a catnap.
Sir? I have a question for the guy who was in Vietnam. What was that like?
Another break? Dude! We're taking breaks from taking breaks at this point. And let's be real, these aren't "breaks" they're waits. It's like when you're on the phone and someone says "I'll let you go." Thanks, pal. Thanks for the favor. Great break.
[Not selected for this trial. Back in the main room.]
2:45PM Crying as I read a Glamour mag article (April 2005 issue).
(Head suddenly swiveling, as if awaking from trance) OMG OMG OMG! People on laptops have a signal--THEY HAVE A SIGNAL. People all around me are iming. THEY'RE IMING. Dying for my laptop. Consider offering someone $5 to check my email. No. On principle no. I'm better than that. I can wait.
Released early------ 3:30 !
Must return tomorrow and guess who's coming with? Lappy T!