Every morning and every evening since September 17 of this past fall, I have applied a special medical gel to my nose. The gel is specially formulated to promote healing from cuts and reduce the appearance of scars. Not surprisingly, the act of applying this gel daily for nearly the entire school year caused me to think about the injury and what caused the injury – and this in turn prompted me to consider the nature & implications of what it means to be scarred. So this morning, I want to explore what it means to live a life scarred, scared & shared.
There are two types of scars: There’s the physical kind – the marks left on your skin after a wound heals -- and there’s the emotional kind – the lasting effects on our psyche caused by a painful experience. My earlier example was of the former, of course, which are often seen as fodder for good stories and sometimes even as badges of pride. But emotional scars tend to be different. Despite being hidden from exterior view, their interior impact can be profound – and last much longer than might be expected.
For example, I was just in Tel Aviv visiting a friend whose grandmother is a Holocaust survivor. Though it’s been nearly 80 years since that traumatic time in her life, my friend’s family is still very much in the midst of grappling with ongoing ripple effects that are just now being identified & understood by psychologists in Israel that impact 2nd & even 3rd generations of Survivors. Thankfully, most of us will never have to endure or contend with anything as horrendous, and yet, every one of us here has encountered loss or hurt of some sort.
But why am I talking about such depressing things on what’s supposed to be a happy & joyous occasion? Because these things are an inevitable part of our lives. As you’ve heard me say before, valleys are necessary counters to the peaks we experience – and having the right mindset when (not if) you confront hardships is essential.
The great American author, Wallace Stegner, put it this way: “The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue.” And the great Arab poet & philosopher, Kahlil Gibran, said this: “The most massive characters are seared with scars.” Here’s my calculus of what they’re saying:
Scarring means you’ve suffered – that you’ve been hurt. And being hurt makes you humble, because you realize then that you’re not invincible – that you’re vulnerable. And being vulnerable helps instill humility – a state of being in which you accept that you don’t know it all, that there is much is to learn. That’s when you gain the most wisdom. And from this kind of smart, you ultimately derive a new kind of strength. All of that, my friends, comes from being scarred in life. Now let’s talk about being scared.
Fear has a bad name. Too often we tell our kids, our friends and even our selves, “Don’t be afraid.” But fear is a feeling – you can’t just command it away.
Like suffering & scarring, sometimes being scared is simply unavoidable. For example, if you’re about to sky-dive from a plane at 10,000 feet, it’s okay to be scared. If you’re a little kid & you’re going to sleep in the dark for the first time, it’s okay to be scared. If you’re a big kid and you’re singing on a stage in front of hundreds of people, it’s okay to be scared. If you’re a bigger kid, and you’re batting with two men on and two outs in the bottom of the 7th of the State Championship game, it’s okay to be scared. If you’re no longer a kid, but a young man or woman and you’re going off to college in a far-away place with few or no friends, it’s okay to be scared.
So the question isn’t whether it’s okay to be afraid, the question (or challenge really) is what to do in the face of it. And few people said it better, or had greater context in which to say it, than Nobel Peace Prize winner Nelson Mandela, the leader of the Anti-Apartheid movement in South Africa, who spent 27 years in prison for his efforts fighting the racist regime: "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
Here again, I seriously doubt that any of you will face imprisonment like Mandela, but it’s worth considering how fear gets in the way of everyday people doing everyday things. A well-known executive coach recently wrote this in the New York Times: “Being scared is human... The problem is when our fears prevent us from making the quantum leap between what we want to do and actually doing it. What we typically do is we pick a roadblock, and we hide behind it... It’s no longer about this or that specific roadblock. Now it’s about, ‘How do I work with fear?’” In other words, yes, you will get scarred. And yes, you will be scared. So use both as opportunities to grow & develop as a person.
Finally, ours is a society that embraces individual liberty – economic, political, religious, and artistic. And in so many ways, that underlying philosophy has served us well. Graduates at high schools & colleges across the country are sent off this time of year charged with the notion that they – meaning you – can seek to discover your true self, and pursue your personal dreams. And I get it – you should do those things. But I want to offer a not-so-slight caveat to that notion of what leads to individual fulfillment.
For thousands of years, humans have been struggling with one deceivingly complex question: Assuming one’s basic needs are met, what is the key to achieving happiness?
The Roman philosopher, Seneca, put it this way: “No one can live happily who has regard to himself alone and transforms everything into a question of his own utility.” In other words, care about others. Around the very same time, Rabbi Hillel put it this way: ‘If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, what am I?” In other words, care about others.
Notably, the issue isn’t just a matter of human morality or societal ethics, it’s a matter of scientifically proven evidence about what makes people feel good. Studies have shown that communal engagement strengthens the immune system, extends life, speeds recovery from surgery, and reduces the risks of depression and anxiety disorders. And though it may be counter-intuitive, recent research shows that providing care to others is often more even beneficial than receiving it.
So, what does this mean for you? It means regardless of what you choose to do professionally, find ways to give of yourself to others – and not just to friends & family, though those are obviously important. Give of yourself to organizations; give of yourself to causes; and give of yourself to individuals who have lesser means & fewer opportunities. Doing these things is not only right, it’s actually in your own self-interest as you seek personal fulfillment.
Scarred, scared & shared – I implore you to keep these three things in mind as you leave this place behind and move on to make your marks, live your lives, and leave a legacy on the larger world around us.